Ambivalence

Part 4

Warnings: Some Fluff, Some violence, Some injury, and swearing

You didn't see anyone for two days. You stayed in your room and only came out in the early hours of the morning to grab some food and drink. On the third night however when you made it to the kitchen you see Bucky sitting on a high chair, elbows on the countertop and head in his hands. 

You don't want to intrude but you haven't eaten all day and your starving so you decide to approach with caution. "Hey Bucky, you okay?", you silently curse yourself because its obvious that he isn't okay but you didn't know what else to say. He drops his hands and looks at you but he doesn't seem like he's really in the room with you. 

You notice his eyes are red and he has bags under them. His hair is dishevelled and you can see sweat glistening on his forehead. You go to the fridge and grab a water bottle, unscrewing the top. You place it in front of him and order him to drink, which he does. He's still staring off into space when you fill the kettle up and start making two mugs of coffee. 

When you turn around with the mugs he's already finished the water. You place a mug in front of him as you say, "I know you're feeling warm right now and you're sweating but the air will soon dry you and you'll start to feel cold. The coffee is to keep you warm and to wake you up a bit". 

You see him nod his head slightly but you know he's still not in the room with you. You place a hand on his and squeeze. His bright blues slide to your face and you say, "I'm assuming you had a nightmare and it was a pretty bad one. You don't have to talk, just listen. As someone who was affected negatively by your actions I want you to know that I forgive you. I know that if my parents were here they would also forgive you. They were scientists and they'd know better than anyone that you didn't have a choice. I've stared into the faces of bad men and I can tell you that I'm not looking at one right now. I'll be frank with you, I watched the footage and read your file. I tried really hard to stay mad at you for what the Winter Soldier did but every time I see you interact with Steve and joke with Sam and spar with Nat my anger fades. I want you to know that I don't hate you Bucky, and I'm not angry at you anymore. In fact I'm quite jealous". 

You laugh at his surprised expression, so you explain, "I'm jealous of what you have Bucky. Of your Friendship with Steve, so strong that it survived decades. I'm jealous of the family you managed to make here Bucky. And whether you believe it or not you deserve it all. The universe owes you." You can hear footsteps coming your way, so you squeeze his hand before letting go. You pick up your mug and walk around to his side of the counter and place a soft kiss on his cheek and say, "goodnight Bucky", before walking out and past Steve without a word to him.

You know you won't be able to go back to sleep. You keep thinking about the way his stubble felt against your lips and how bright his eyes were. You down your coffee and decide to go to the training room. You meditate on a mat for about half an hour and then when you finally think your head is clear you run on the treadmill for an hour. 

You take a few minutes to steady your beating heart before going over to the weapons rack. Your hands grace over the blades until you come to a sudden halt. You see your twin knives have been added to the rack and you can't help but smile. You pick them up and adjust your grip. You step onto one of the mats and start the weird dance. You swipe your blades through the air, moving your body to a silent tune of battle. You close your eyes, doing the motions without looking. You slowly feel your muscles relax as your limbs swing through the air. You hear the door to the room open and close but you don't care. You finish your routine and then open your eyes to see Bucky hovering by the door nervously. 

You smile at him. The first real smile you've given him since you arrived here. "It's okay Bucky, I heard you come in, and you weren't interrupting anything". He gives you a small smile back and you can still see the ghost of his nightmare in his eyes.