Blackbird

If You'd Only Understand, Dear

Our deep conversations became fewer until they were basically nonexistent, I miss Evan. I know I see him everyday but I mean he's changing....without me. I'm falling behind, and I can't keep up with everyone else while they're healing. Though I still feel like I'm wallowing in the festering wound that is the grief I can't get rid of.

"Rena" Ms. Eden said snapping me out of my daze.

"Yes" I replied.

"I asked you how have things been" she reiterated.

"Fine, things have been getting along well. Ethan is doing so much better in school, Vanessa is the best support system I could ever have, and Evan and I are closer than ever" I said plastering the most superficial smile on my face I could muster.

"That's amazing, I'm happy to hear that. Have you made any new friends?" she piqued.

"Not a friend yet, per se but there is this this girl from my Theater class that invited me out to the movies with a couple of other people" I said lying straight through my teeth.

"Rena that is wonderful, you know I'm so proud of you and everything you are becoming and I know Tara would be proud of you too. You are in what we call recovery, the pain of a tragedy like this never really goes away but you are beginning to learn how to cope with it so it doesn't effect your everyday life" she smiled at me, and I felt bad because none of what I said is true. I lied because I feel like I'm drowning again. It's been 8 months and it feels like it just happened yesterday. I don't sleep that much anymore because all I get is nightmare after nightmare.

After my session with Ms. Eden I stood outside waiting for Vanessa to pick me up and instead Evan pulled up with Piper in the passenger seat. I got in the car very confused at why he was picking me up and very annoyed at the fact that his girlfriend was with him.

"Mom is pulling an extra shift so she told me to come pick you up" he stated. I just nodded and put my earbuds in, when things get overwhelming, I do whatever it takes to block it out. We pulled up to an unfamiliar house, I'm guessing to drop Piper off because after awkwardly long makeout she finally got out. Evan turned around and tapped my leg, I took one of my earbuds out to see what he was bothering me for. "Woah, don't bite my head off, I just wanted to let you know you could get in the front now" he laughed.

"No thanks" I replied, and returned to my solitude of music. I could feel him looking at me for a few more seconds then he finally turned back around and started the car. When we got home I stormed into the house, and closed the door in his face. In my defense I did not know he was that close behind me I thought it would take him a few minutes to get out of the car. He caught me right in front of my room by grabbing my hand. I ripped my earbuds out, now officially pissed off. "What" I snatched my hand away from him.

"What the hell is wrong with you, you've been acting so distant and annoyed" he replied.

"I just had a bad day" I shrugged.

"No I mean for the last few months, you've been acting like I ran over your puppy. I've been meaning to talk to you about it but I've just been so busy with-"

"With Piper, right?" I cut him off, rolling my eyes.

"Not just Piper, I have a life, unlike you" he replied and I saw the moment he realized what he said because I could see the remorse in his eyes. "Shit, Rena I did not mean that-"

"Get the fuck away from me Evan. You meant what you said and I know you did because if you didn't it would have never crossed your mind to say it" replied fighting back tears. I entered my room, slamming the door and locking it behind me. I cried into my pillow because I was hurt, and it hurt so much because it was true. I don't know how to fix what's wrong with me, and no one can help me; not Ms. Eden, not Vanessa, not even Evan.