Self-Destruct

Chapter 3

"The fear of failure is so intense
It's maddening
When in reality I would rather just fade away
Disappear in the background and hideaway
But you gotta keep up that image
So don't stray away"

The entire sanctuary was filled people crying out to God and worshiping him. As Dana stood in front of the church singing How Great is our God  all she could think about was how good Desmond looked in his pink, blue and white plaid shirt.

This was also kind of a part of Dana's routine on Sundays. She would get up in front of the church and sing them happy while never really experiencing God  for herself. She was tired of feeling forced to be their direct link to God when sometimes she didn't even know if she knew who God was to her anymore. It was as if people needed her to sing, needed the music in order to praise him. It was too much pressure. However, she wouldn't dare say anything like that to her parents. She was so afraid of letting them down again that she internalized it. She didn't want the incident that happened a few years ago to happen again. She never thought her parents would forgive her for it or let her live it down. She couldn't bear the burden of letting everyone down again.

Honestly, Dana didn't know what was more alarming. The fact that she sung these intimate and spiritual songs about God and didn't feel or truly believe it. Or the fact that she could sing with such a tainted heart and no one saw through it. In all reality, Dana was used to people not seeing her.  Everyone looked at her but no one truly saw her. Well, except for Desmond.

After praise and worship was over Dana went to back of the church and found a seat. The whole time  her father preached about watching out for wolves in sheep clothing she and Desmond were texting.

Desmond: Ma you look real fine sitting back there. And that skirt you wearing..man

Dana: lol. Thanks Des you don't look to bad yourself.

Desmond: so you tryna go to a kickback wit me tonight?? It's supposed to be real lit!

Dana: I don't think my parents gonna go for that...they barely like us doin worship together smh

Desmond:man forget your parents...you grown.

Dana: I know but I live under their roof and he's not just my dad he's also the man that can fire you if he chooses to. All he needs is a reason.

Desmond: look, you need to stop letting your parents run your life. You're a grown women. And besides I can get a job anywhere so I'm not pressed

Dana: I get what your sayin but I just really don't need people talking

Desmond: man look...I'm really feeling you but I can't roll wit no lil girl. I need a woman. I ain't got time for games

Dana: I'm not playing games it's just very complicated. You know how it is being a preachers kid.
Read 12:32pm

Dana knew Desmond had a point. She couldn't let her parents dictate her life anymore. She hated how much harder they made her life but, there was nothing she could do. Living in a small town her parents knew everyone. So, everyone knew her. Everyone was expecting Dana to be this extremely anointed vocalist or a huge screw up. There's no in between. People always had an opinion. Eyes were always on her. It's like everyone was trying to figure out "what's Dana going to do?", " Is she going to slip up again?", "will she finally get it right ?"

How is it fair to have to suffer the repercussions of her fathers calling. She didn't ask to be a preachers kid. She didn't ask to be a gifted singer. She didn't ask for any of this. It's like everything just fell in her lap and she was expected to handle it. Expected to deal with the name calling, the dirty looks, the high expectations, listening to people talk about her family. 

She hardly thought that everything that they have to deal with is worth it. But she didn't have a choice. Nobody cared about how she felt. No one ever cares about how she feels.
The one person who even remotely cares about her she is letting slip through her fingers because of people. It's not fair.

 
Sometimes she wished nobody knew her, that no one cared. She wished that she could just drop everything and leave. That she could turn off her gifts, her calling and disappear. People only see what they want to. And she no longer wanted to sit back and let people see her for who they perceived her to be. If everyone wanted her to be the bad guy... she was going to give them what they wanted.

She was tired of playing by everyone else's rules. She was tired of not having a say concerning her life. She was tired of reaping the pain and problems of her fathers calling. Being forced to live a life that she never asked for or wanted.

 
She was done.