The Day Hannah Died (wlw / gxg)

The Day Hannah Needed Me

Day Twenty-Seven was the Day, Hannah needed me.

We had exchanged numbers at Val's and Friday afternoon, she texted me. I'm not using my phone that often, so it was early evening before I read her message.

Hannah Juergens [10-19-18, 04:19 pm]: do you have time to meet me?

Riley du Pont [10-19-18, 06:12 pm]: sure, when where?

Hannah Juergens [10-19-18, 06:12 pm]: half an hour? el's, the café.

Riley du Pont [10-19-18, 06:12]: i'll be there.

The café isn't far from my home. Rachel and I go there sometimes when she is home from college. She loves El's.

I didn't know what to wear. I knew that it wasn't a date, just a coffee, but I wasn't going to go drink a coffee with Hannah without making any effort. So, I put on my favorite jeans, a blouse and Converse. I put on mascara.

Hannah was there before me. She looked really ... tired. Exhausted. We hugged.

"Hey, are you okay?"

"Now that you're here." She smiled, and I smiled back.

The waitress came to our table. "Hannah! Nice to see you!" They kissed on both cheeks. "How are you?"

"Hey, Amanda. I'm fine! How are you? How's Felix?"

"Oh, we're fine. He found a new job in the city and he works a lot but at least he's home in the evenings. Aaaaand" she showed her right hand: "we're engaged!"

"Oh, that's so great! I'm so happy for you! Give him a hug from me. Oh, I missed you guys!"

"You should come over some time and I will cook something fancy."

"I would love that!" Hannah turned to me: "Riley, you should totally come. Amanda, this is Riley."

"I know you. You come here with your sister, don't you?"

I nodded. "I do."

When Amanda was gone, she smiled at me again. "I didn't know you had a sister."

"I didn't know you go to our favorite café."

"How old is she?"

"She's 20. She goes to Princeton. Sociology and gender and sexuality studies."

"Wow, that sounds great."

"She loves it."

"What do you want to do when you graduate?"

"I'm not sure. Something in engineering."

She looked surprised. "Didn't you say that your favorite subjects were art and politics?"

"They are, mostly because of the teachers. You know, we were sure my sister would do a medical degree, but she told us that she wouldn't want to do anything in her life just because she was good at but because she loved doing it."

"That's a good policy."

"It is. When I told her, I wanted to study sociology or politics, she asked me why and I said 'Because that's what I'm good at in school' and I could feel that she wanted to slap me through the phone."

Hannah laughed.

"Last year she invited me to Princeton, and I attended lectures about European Cultural Studies, Architecture, Mathematics, Chemical and Biological Engineering. Well, here I am, wanting to do something in engineering."

"I think I would like your sister. She seems really great."

"She is and I'm sure she would like you."

She smiles. Oh gosh, I loved this smile.

"Why did you ask me here?" I asked. My heart was racing.

"I ..." she looked down on her hands, then in my face. "I just wanted to talk to someone."

Why didn't you ask Val?

But I didn't ask that. I could see that she wasn't well.

"How are you?"

"Yeah, yeah, fine." She nodded to endorse her words.

Amanda brought two latte macchiatos and a piece of chocolate cake with two forks we had ordered.

"Enjoy!"

"Thank you!"

She ate some of her cake.

"Did you know that Val went away for the weekend?"

I nodded. "It's one weekend per year when his father takes him hunting."

She raised her eyebrows. They weren't made. She didn't wear any make-up. I think that was the first time I saw her without make-up. "He hunts?"

"He hates it! But his father... have you met Charles?"

She shook her head. "No."

"He is not particularly nice. He is – in front of me at least – very polite and reserved, but Val is another person in his presence. I don't know how to describe it. He eh... he gets quiet. He doesn't disagree with anything his father says. Well, he disagrees with basically everything, but he never tells him so."

I hated being at Val's when Charles is home. Everything I value about Val seems gone when he's around his father: his quick-wittedness, his know-it-all-ness, his laugh. I haven't met Charles on many occasions and I'm very fine with that.

"My mother is like that." This remark came out of the blue. "My mother brings out the worst in people around her. I get so angry when I'm with her, but I never say anything."

I didn't know what to do. Take her hand? Look at her? Look away? How do I express that she can talk to me? Say something? Say something.

"Why don't you?"

"It wouldn't get better. She stands her ground until I give up."

"How often does that happen?"

"Too many times. All the time. It doesn't matter what I say, you can be sure, she sees it another way."

I took a sip of my latte.

"Is someone at home who supports your opinion? You could talk to her together?"

"I have a sister, Ava. She loves us both equally, she never takes sides. Both our dads left at some point."

I didn't know what else to say.

"I'm sorry, I didn't want to dampen the mood. It's just – today was one of those occasions. I told her I got a D in maths and she asked why I don't study more before a test and then I told her that I had studied very hard and she said that it apparently wasn't enough and then I said that it was the best I could do and then she said that this wasn't true because maths was just logic and some practice and it went on and on for like ten minutes. Finally, I promised I was gonna study more for the next test."

"I'm good at maths."

She looked at me unbelieving, irritated. "Good for you." Her voice was pure sarcasm.

"Oh no! That's not what I meant! I just thought I could help you study for your next test."

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry, Riley! My head... I was still caught up in this conversation with Cordelia. I'm sorry I snapped, really! I should have known you would never say something upsetting. Oh god, I'm so stupid." She drew a deep breath. "I should stop talking now."

I laughed a little. "You should stop talking because it's not necessary to apologize."

She smiled at me. "I really like you, Riley."

I swallowed. "I like you, too."

After an awkward moment of silence, she said: "Well, that was cheesy," and I couldn't help but laugh out loud.