The Day Hannah Died (wlw / gxg)

The Day We Got Drunk

Day Sixty-One was the day we got drunk and tried to count the dots on the staircase carpet.

I don't usually drink. But on that day, one of the most upsetting things I've ever experienced happened.

Though it started rather great. It was one of Val's parties. Hannah and I sat on the roof top's balustrade, our legs dangling over the edge.

"You look pretty today, Riley," she said.

I liked so many things about Hannah: Her smile and her laugh, the way she dressed, how she was interested in so many things. I really liked the way she treated people: She was so warm and sincere, whether it was towards the delivery guy or her classmates or her friends. She would always say their names, just so that the other person felt like she was paying attention. She would always tip the waitress twenty percent. She would start small talk with anyone. I remember one time we went ice skating and there was this one girl who was really good, and Hannah just went up to her and asked if she could show us some tricks. She talked to Amanda every time we were at El's café. She never held back a compliment, no matter how little she knew the person. She told women on the train that their eyeliner was on fleek.

So, I never thought of it when she complimented me. It was just something she did.

"Thank you," I said and grinned awkwardly. "You too." And I meant it. She wore mom-jeans and a crop top, a flower wreath in her hair. Behind her, the city lights glistened. For me, this was the perfect view.

"Riles!" I turned as I heard Chloe say my name. I instantly knew it was Chloe because I didn't like that nickname and nobody else used it. There was no nickname which was as beautiful as my actual name so why use it? Val sometimes called me Bad Gal Riri which I thought was funny but Riles was just a resolution of laziness.

"What are you doing here?" Libby asked, surprised and startled. They both gave me a hug.

I didn't suspect Libby and Chloe to be there, but it wasn't a surprise. They probably didn't know Val but somehow heard of the party.

"Val invited me so here I am."

"But you – on a party! I didn't think I would see this day."

I shrugged my shoulders.

"Hi, I'm Hannah," Hannah said, jumping down from the balustrade.

"Hannah Juergens?" Chloe asked.

Hannah nodded. "The one but probably not only."

Charming like always. I smiled. Then I saw a glance between my two best friends I wasn't able to read. It was unsettling.

"Nice to meet you," Libby said. "I'm Libby."

"Chloe."

"Do you mind if we borrow Riley for a moment? She'll be right back."

"Yeah, sure, go ahead." She smiled reassuringly at me.

Libby and Chloe took me to inside and told me to sit down on a sofa before taking a seat on each side of me.

"You hang out with Hannah Juergens."

I didn't know if that was a question or a statement. I just nodded.

"Don't you worry what the people say? You know, she's gay, right?"

I was in shock. I don't know what exactly I had been expecting, but this wasn't it. I shook my head.

Chloe misinterpreted that sign. "Well, she is."

I shook my head harder. "No, she's not gay. She's bisexual."

Libby looked at me pityingly, Chloe unsympathetically. "Doesn't matter. You know what I mean."

And I got so angry that I heard the blood rushing in my ears, and I had problems breathing. "What exactly is your point, Chloe? Hannah is a great friend. And you're being a homophobic asshole!" I stood up and left.

"Riley, wait! She didn't mean–"

"Yeah, I know what she meant. And I don't wanna hear it another time!" I yelled back.

Tears were clouding my eyes, so I nearly bumped into Val when I left the room. "Hey, Riley." His voice was soft as he hugged me. "What did they say?" He brushed his hands through my hair while I sobbed and pressed my face onto his chest.

"Wait here, I'll be right back." He kissed me on the forehead and pushed me away gently.

I leaned with my back against a wall and waited for my breaths to get calmer. He returned a minute later with a drink in his hand.

"I asked them to leave. Are you okay? Do you wanna talk?"

I shook my head. "I don't. I just wanna forget that it happened."

"Here, drink up."

And I did. It was sweet and I smelled the alcohol, but I didn't mind. I asked him if he did see Hannah. I found her on the exact same spot I left her, sitting on the balustrade. We spent the night drinking and laughing and stumbling from place to place. The more I drank, the less I noticed Hannahs worried glances. I think, at some point, she forgot that I had cried earlier. She never asked why.

Shortly after midnight, Hannah checked her phone and saw seven missed calls by Cordelia, so she said she had to go. I brought her home. She took me into a long embrace.

"I don't think I can let you go."

"It's only a few steps, you're nearly home." I was giggling though I didn't know why.

"No, nooo, I mean I don't want you to go away like ever. You're my best friend. You're so kind and sweet and I don't ever want you to go. But if you do – I'm gonna follow you."

"What if first I'm gonna follow you inside your house and make sure you find your bed?"

"Well, that is, in fact, a proposition I can live with."

I put her arm around my shoulder. I wasn't sure where my feet were either but feeling her beside me so labile brought back at least some of my steadiness. She told me to be quiet when we opened the front door and took off our shoes. Standing on one foot drunk was too much and she fell on the floor which caused much noise and both of us ended up giggling. Once up the stairs, we stood in the hallway with the yellow-dotted carpet. Hannah looked down at her feet. "Woah! The dots are bigger than I remembered!" Her attempt to whisper turned out to be talking with a raspy voice. I shushed.

"How many are there?" She started turning and eventually fell to the ground.

And so we started counting.

I can't remember how I got to bed that night, but I woke up in the morning next to Hannah.