Started With An Audition

Chapter 5

Some readers might find this chapter triggering. Please stay safe you are all loved <3 Adam~

Adam POV

I giggled and opened my front door dragging Tommy Joe in with me. I turned on the light of my living room to see my house is a mess. Glass from picture frames everywhere table turned upside down, fuck Sauli really fucked this place but honestly, I was too drunk to care anymore.

I pushed Tommy onto my cluttered covered sofa and climbed onto his lap putting both of my legs on each side of his hips he looked at me with lust in his big brown eyes.

I instantly started to attack his neck with small kisses and bites making him close his eyes and whimper. I grinned against his neck and started to move down his neck to his collarbones. I sucked on his left collarbone causing him to quietly moan which not going to lie caused me to get a little hard. His moans were like music to my ears, I haven't left this way in a long time. Maybe I didn't love Sauli after all.

Fuck Sauli, a rush of guilt and sadness washed over me. We dated for three years, he was all that I had and now he's gone and I'm pretty much trying to fuck my bass player I haven't even known for 24 hours. What is wrong with me? maybe Sauli is right about me not caring about us and being a slut. Maybe I deserved all the times he called me fat and ugly or the times he hit me because I was stupid and selfish.

I only notice I was lost in my own thoughts because I heard a small voice calling my name, shit Tommy is still here.

"Adam?" he said in a soft tone, I've probably freaked him out but just zoning out.

"Adam, are you alright? Your crying" I gave him a puzzled looked before noticing I was crying. I quickly wiped my face with my jacket sleeve and got off of him small body which know I was shocked I didn't break every bone in his body because of how heavy I am compered to him.

"Fine, Tommy maybe you should leave" I said turning away so he could no longer see my face. I could feel my alcohol high quickly leave my body. I'm such a horrible person, how could I be so selfish.

"Adam, please..." I heard before cutting Tommy off.

"Leave Tommy" I said y voice coming out a bit sterner this time. I watched as the small boy pretty much ran out my house and I'm sure there was tears in his eyes. What did I just do? Why am I such a fuck up?

I ran up to my bedroom not even caring my front door was left open and I felt more tears fall down my face at the sight. My clothes everywhere, ripped and cut to bits. Picture frames smashed all over the floor and on my pillow the picture of me and Suali on our 3-year anniversary ripped in two.

I took a sharp break trying to calm myself down but it didn't work as the tears fell harder than before and I fell onto my knees gasping for air. My vision became blurred and I just let everything go not caring about the make-up running down my face.

I got back onto my feet and shakily walked into my bedroom bathroom. My mirror was smashed and I'm pretty sure Suail's blood was on the mirror. So many thoughts were running though my head I didn't know what to do with myself. I felt so useless and I just wanted time to stop worse part we start rehearsals tomorrow and Tommy will be there, I need to face him after pretty much screaming in his face, he's going to hate me. I'm his boss who just fucking gave him two hickeys then screamed for him to leave my house what is wrong with me?

I could just not show up tomorrow and pretend I was dead and not answer my phone or I do have pills and vodka downstairs. Wow I've been depressed and I've even self-harmed but I've not had that dark of thoughts in a long time. Don't get me wrong whenever Suail hit me my mind got a little darker but I never wanted to try end my life because leaving him just the idea hurt too much but now, he's not here and nobody would stop me.

I let out a shaky breath I didn't even know I was holding and sat on the edge of my bath. The only thing that came to mind was to call Sutan. When my other ex broke up with me I was a mess. I didn't leave my room for days, didn't eat and drank till Sutan found me passed out on my bedroom floor, he honestly thought I was dead and sometimes I wish I was if I wasn't going to leave so many fans behind, but would they even care if I did die?

I stood up feeling my knees go weak and walked to the sink and held onto it. I opened the cabinet and took a deep breath. Was I really going to do this? I've been clean for half a year if not longer and Suail finally broke me again. He's broken my ribs, black eyes made me black and blue but I've for a full six months stopped myself from getting this bad but my mind can't take it anymore, he's won.

I took off my leather jacket and dropped it to the floor and looked at my wrist. I could see small very faded lines on my right wrist, something I normally get Sutan to cover even though you can really see anymore but I know they are still there. I could feel the blood running through my veins and as quick as a blink I felt the sharp but pleasureful pain run through my body. I looked down and watched small drips of blood drop into my sink.

I ran the water and washed the blood off my wrist hoping it would stop quickly because it wasn't a deep cut. If Sutan finds out I've done this again he will kill me and he will be there tomorrow, he always is because he has to make me look "fabulous" as he says.

I slowly walked to my bed feeling numb inside and no longer caring about my house or all the crap on my bed all I wanted was sleep and maybe to not wake up tomorrow.

Studio tomorrow, why am I such a fuck up?