Heartbreak Fluorescence

chapter 17

IVY

By a sparkling and cool lake, I rested my head on his wide shoulders, it didn't tense like I thought it would. Perhaps he already found me adaptable as I did him.

I knew this was not real. I knew it from the way he looked at me, with such desire and such passion that is never meant for me, but in this distant memory, for once let it be me.

"I'm sorry for your breakup," Andrew babbled once we were seated at the frozen yogurt place, handing me my cup.

"Yeah, I couldn't imagine the pain you're in," Orion continued. "Felix is in pain, Ivy, you have no idea."

I noted how they spoke of our relationship like it was death, and they treated me like I was grieving. Maybe I am. I couldn't believe I had let a Virgo boy order me around.

"I do have an idea," I answered. "I'm just not in pain anymore."

Lies. I didn't know that he was sad. And I didn't know if I was not in pain anymore. Maybe I had always liked him as a friend and had over-romanticized it.

Nope.

It was real. As real as the sky was blue and as genuine as the oceans are deep. I wonder if it was real for him too. Maybe he faked the sadness.

Maybe not.

"It's not that sad," I shrugged. I lied. And I know that they knew I lied. It was so obvious. It was so apparent.

"You wanna order more food?" Weston offered. It was the first time I had heard his voice in a long time, and it was all the same. The same peace he brought, the same calmness he presented.

"I'll gain," I smiled weakly, not wanting to burden them. "You guys go find something. I'll pay."

He frowned and took off, sprinting in an unknown direction, coming back in a mere two minutes with sandwiches for all of us.

"I can't," I said. "Carbs."

He didn't say a word, just ate his latest meal and ignored my words. I frowned, and everyone was silent.

They left one by one as the lights went dimmer, and I could feel fresh tears threatening to fall again. I kept it, of course. Weston was still here. It would be horrible for him to see me cry.

"I can't do this anymore." It was a little above a whisper, so I knew he meant for me to hear.

My heartbeat quickens. Was he leaving me too? I lost Dylan and I lost Felix, and now I'm losing him too. I stayed silent, waiting for him to go but he never did.

I looked up to see his face, my breath hitching when I was reminded again of how handsome he looked.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" I heard myself ask, my voice surprisingly calm. Like the cool and sparkling lake that had always appeared in my distant memory. Maybe we were lovers in our past lives.

"Ivy."

"Weston." His name is glorious. His face is gorgeous. "You can't do what anymore?"

"You mean so much to me, Ivy." His voice was husky and I felt my core tighten. "And I can't live knowing that you don't know my feelings for you."

"Your feelings..."

"I have always liked you, and I know that I always will."

I let out a breath, thinking that it's another lucid dream again. It always made me feel this way. And I like it because I know it may never happen in real life. However, that's not the case anymore. This is real life because there is no cool and sparkling water. This is real life because I'm sweating right now and I know he is too by the way he was rubbing his palms over his jeans. It was dark now. Half of the lights at the place were off. The only way I got to see him was by the glimpse of warm light pouring into his skin.

"I'll wait for you. Until you are ready to be with me."

"And what if that day never comes?"

"Then I'll be waiting for nothing," he softly smiled. "But I live with hope."

"Stop lying to me," I sighed.

"What did he do to you, Ivy? Why can't you see that you're beautiful?"

"Maybe because I know being beautiful is not enough to make him good to me."

"But I'm good to you," he said sadly. "Isn't that enough?"

"Of course it is. But we're not together, and I don't think we can be right now. We're kids."

"Then I wait for us." He looked at me.

"But that's not fair to you," I murmured, staring at the now empty table with only the weight of the warm light in it. "What if I never find the courage to believe you?"

"Of course it's not fair. I've been waiting for you since Dylan, and right after that you ran into Felix's arms like I was never there."

I stared at him. Was he trying to guilt-trip me?

"But it'll all be worth it when you finally say you like me too," he smiled, taking my palms in his. "Tell me, Ivy. Isn't it clear that even this universe believes in our story? Why does your heart persist?"

"It doesn't make sense," I whispered loud enough for him to hear. "How do you have me in your heart when she is on your mind?"

"Who are you talking about?"

"Valentina! You're in love with her, not me."

He shook his head like he was in shock. "And now you let the past take over your future?"

"No, I'm only depending on your feelings." Perhaps I was on the wrong, but I did not see it.

"I'm in love with you, Ivy. Why can't you see it? Even the universe is not blind as you are."