Even lovers drown (Jerrie)

Part ten

A/N: Trigger warning. Topic of Self  Harm.

Perrie:

I don't remember taking the lift to my floor. I don't remember opening my hotel door or walking to the bathroom.

What I do remember is how the cool tiled floor felt against my bare feet. How the girl looking back at me in the mirror felt damaged and empty and so alone. How the blade I dragged across my skin burned as it made fresh cuts.

I didn't want to be this girl anymore. I wanted to feel light and free. I wanted to have love and be loved. As I watched my abdomen ooze fresh crimson I couldn't help but think how different it would be if I had stayed with Zayn. I would be bitter and there would be no deep meaningful love but there would be someone to come home to. I wouldn't be alone.

I would always wonder though, I thought bitterly. Always look at her and wonder what could have been. I winced as I applied more pressure to the blade poised at my stomach.

One- For loving her.

Two- For keeping secrets.

Three- For hating myself.

Four- For never being enough.

Five-....

A sharp knock on the door broke my concentration.

"Pez?" It was muffled by the door, but that sounded like Jade. Shite.

SHITE.

Spots of blood were obvious on the marble sink as well as on the floor. I sprung into action, flinging the blade into my makeup bag and cleaning the evidence before I threw on an old black T-shirt and made my way to the door.

My hand rested on the lock; as much as I wanted to let her in, she had hurt me earlier, I wasn't sure I was ready to face her.

"Pezza please, I want to make up"

I sighed, and resigned to my fate, opened the door. There she stood, in all her heartbreaking glory. She looked up at me with her bambi eyes, still hazy from alcohol.

"Hi baby"

"What do you want Jade?"

She leaned dangerously close to my face and traced my jaw with her fingers.

"I told you, I want to make up" she purred as she placed a kiss dangerously close to my mouth.

"Jade stop, your drunk, you don't know what your doing" I lightly pushed her away.

Undeterred, Jade slinked by me into the hotel room, I rolled my eyes but nonetheless closed the door behind her. She shrugged out of her jacket as she made her way towards the bed. kicking off her shoes as she went.

"Come here Perrie" she purred as she crooked her finger, calling me towards her. I took a step towards her and stopped, I didn't want this, not when I was upset and she was drunk.

"Jade, this isn't how I want to do this" I looked up at her, "Not like this, please".  As blue met brown her expression changed. I wasn't sure what she saw in my eyes, but whatever it was she rose from the bed and came towards me.

I wanted to move away but her eyes were keeping me frozen to the spot. She reached toward me slowly, as if afraid any sudden movements would cause me to bolt.

My eyes closed automatically when her soft hand made first contact with my cheek, caressing it tenderly. I couldn't help my eyes from welling at the intimacy of her actions.

" I don't know how to do this Perrie" she murmured, "when Jed and I fight we make up with sex, I don't know any other way to fix what I did"

I opened my eyes at that, she was looking at me with such love, it was hard to not throw myself at her feet and tell her I would always forgive her, not matter what, because I loved her so much. Instead I set my shoulders and took a breath.

"You really hurt me Jade, and what's worse you used something that I told you in confidence to do it, something I trusted you with" I searched her eyes, "you wanted to hurt me. That's not us Jade, it's not who we are as friends or whatever the hell we are now"

Jade dropped her hand from my face, but before I could say anything else she pressed her forehead against mine, lent in and lightly brushed her lips with mine. She pulled away, but kept her forehead pressed against mine. When she spoke I felt her breath hit the top of my lip.

"I was jealous"

I pulled back shocked.

"Jealous" I repeated, "jealous of what?"

"Of the guy at the bar" she took a deep breath "of Jesy for trying to spend more time with you, of Leigh for getting drunk with you". She traced my jaw with her finger.

"We used to be so close Pez, I knew you inside out, I could tell how you were feeling just by looking at you" she murmured "and then I guess we just drifted and it didn't bother me until I found out that there's actually something major in your life that I literally had no idea about"

"I don't understand where you're going with this Jade". She brushed her lips against mine again, pulling me back into her.

"Let me finish babe" she kissed my forehead gently. " Now we have this thing together and it makes our friendship stronger, more intimate I guess. I love it, I love how you trusted me with this and I love that we're spending so much time together, I guess I just have to get used to sharing you again" she puffed out a laugh.

"It's not an excuse though, even if I didn't like the idea of you going off with that barman, I should never have hurt you like that" she wrapped her arms around my neck, looking up at me. "You mean so much to me, I never want to be the reason you're hurting again"

"I forgive you"

"Thank you, but I don't forgive myself yet" she smiled sadly "I'll make it up to you though". Jade looked at me with a cheeky smile "Maybe in sexual favors". I burst out laughing,

"I like the sound of that, but for tonight I could go for some cuddling".

Jade pulled me into a tight hug, her flat stomach pressing against my newly carved scars. I ignored the sting, holding her closer.

She was worth the pain.