Even lovers drown (Jerrie)

Part twenty-five

Perrie:

J,

Its been four weeks since I last touched you. I know why you avoid me, you imagine that it makes it easier, but you are so wrong love. I ache for you. I have no other words. When I see you I ache, when we are apart I ache. I wish now that I could have explained to you more. Funny isn't it how feelings are so difficult to express. Why is that? That I can feel every expanse of emotion in my heart when I think of you but I'm incapable of explaining them.

Maybe if I was better at explaining what was in my heart then you would understand. There is no one else. There could never be anyone else. I am yours, truly and completely. My life was in black and white and love has embellished it with striking colours. I've never wanted forever until now. So please, stay, love me, we can be brave together all I need is for you to come home to me. Come home Jade.

Forever yours,
Perrie x

- - -
One month later

I sat on Aaron's makeup chair with my eyes closed, listening to Jade tell Leigh-Anne about her holiday to Greece with Jed. My eyes had to be closed. Making prolonged eye contact seemed to be against the unwritten rules that Jade had decided. She wasn't outwardly ignoring me, more so she avoided being alone with me at all costs. So I sat and listened to the lilt of her voice, to how the tone would change as she explained a funny story to Leigh. Her voice dripped from her lips like honey.

I knew I was torturing myself but I couldn't help it. With my eyes closed I could pretend Jade and I lay in bed, side by side, as she filled me in on her day. I could pretend my heart wasn't been chipped away by her distance.

When Jade had left she had been right about one thing. I was stronger than I thought. I was strong enough to keep a flame of hope alive in my heart. I was strong enough to love her despite it all, strong enough to risk being broken over and over again. With Jade I had known the deepest love and heartbreak enough to shatter my mind and leave my soul feeling empty. But I was strong enough to hope and that alone made me drag myself from bed each morning.

"All done Pezza" Aaron called, pulling me from my thoughts.

I opened my eyes. Back to reality Perrie.

"Thanks Aaron" I smiled at him through the mirror.

I stood, casting an eye around the room. In less than an hour we would be across town at the launch party for our album. Jesy smiled at me from across the room, beckoning me towards her.

"You okay Pez?" She questioned once I was within ear shot.

"I'm good Jess, don't worry" I reassured her.

Weeks earlier I had spilled my heart to Jesy about my 'relationship' with Jade, she had been angry at first with me and then with Jade. We had talked through the night and although Jesy couldn't understand she accepted what I told her. Telling Jesy had lifted a bolder from my chest that I didn't know was there, the lies of my time with Jade were wiped clean.

"Jed's going to be there, you know that right?" She asked in a hushed tone.

I tried to keep my face neutral. Although I wanted nothing more than to throw a drink in Jed's face and tell him his girlfriend was mine, had always been and would always be mine. I wouldn't do that to Jade. I respected and cared for her to much to destroy what she had chosen. And she had clearly chosen Jed.

"I know he'll be there" I replied, watching Jade across the room "I'll be fine, I promise"

"Stop looking at her like that" Jesy pushed my arm to get my attention.

"Ow Jess" I rubbed my arm "stop looking at her like what?"

"Like a love sick puppy"

I rolled my eyes at her. Looking was all I had left.

- - -

I smiled softly as I let Jesy drag me from conversation to conversation. She kept a firm grip on my arm as she chatted animately with Claud about ideas for tour. I couldn't stop myself from searching the crowd for Jade. She stood with her back to me, I was mesmerized by the curve of her spine. She was throwing her head back in laughter at something Leigh-Anne said, Jed had his arm protectively wrapped around her slim waist. I couldn't even blame him for that, if I was with Jade I wouldn't be able to stop myself from being in constant contact with her.

"Pez seriously" Jesy looked pissed off as she gave me a pointed look.

"What now Jess, are you going to tell me I can't even look at her?" I said getting annoyed.

Jesy grabbed my arm and dragged me to the side of the room, out of ear shot of Claud.

"I know you miss her but you're making it obvious" Jesy said, her voice softer now.

"Your acting like I'm doing something wrong. I stay away from her like Jade asked, I don't touch her or spend time alone with her like you want and now your telling me I can't look at her?" I scoffed.

Jesy placed a hand on my arm.

"I can't imagine how hard this is for you Pez, but someone like Jed finding out what happened is only going to make it harder"

She wasn't wrong there. I dragged a hand through my hair.

"I'm sorry" I finally said "I'm just a bit on edge. It's harder seeing them together than I thought it would be"

Jesy pulled me into a hug just as I heard someone speak into the microphone. I pulled away from the hug, looking at Jesy confused. As far as I was aware we were going to be the only ones speaking and that had already taken place.

I turned to the stage, dread seeping to every inch of my body as I saw Jed holding the mic.

"Sorry to interrupt but could I get everyone's attention"

My heart began to beat wildly in my chest.

"For anyone who doesn't know, I'm Jed, Jade's boyfriend"

I searched the crowd and found her. She was blushing and looking at Jed with a small smile on her face.

"Jade, we've obviously been together a few years now"

No. No. My feet began moving of their own accord towards her.

"You're the light of my life, there will never be anyone but you"

I reached my hand out as I moved towards her.

"So Jade Amelia Thirlwall"

I felt Jesy pull me back away from Jade. I couldn't speak past the lump in my throat. Let me go Jesy my heart screamed.

"Will you do me the greatest honor of my life"

Jesy pulled me towards the edge of the room.

"Of becoming my wife"

Jade's hands flew to her mouth.

Say no Jade.

She nodded her head.

Tell him you love me Jade.

Jed rushed forward and pulled her into a hug.

The crowd cheering rang in my ears.

I was vaguely aware of Jesy pulling at arm.

I touched my hand to my chest, it felt cold, the flicker of hope now gone.

My heart wasn't broken, it was shattered.