Even lovers drown (Jerrie)

Part fifteen

Perrie:

I felt lighter after telling Jesy about my sexuality, sure I was still keeping plenty to myself but at least I had shared some truths with her.

"Okay" Jesy pipped up "Leigh is coming over now, but Jade hasn't responded yet"

I rolled over on the bed to face her.

"That's odd, she said she just had to pack her bags, it shouldn't be taking this long" I mused.

"I have to go grab some stuff from my room anyways so I'll just get her on my way back" Jesy stood from the bed "Maybe we could get some writing done, we're running out of time"

"Sounds good"

I sighed as Jes left the room. The album was turning out to be a bit of a disaster, we had to remove two songs as they just didn't fit and now we found ourselves two songs short and with a two month deadline. It was far from ideal. I felt my phone vibrate beside me, excitement bubbled as I expected to see Jade's name, but it was just Leigh-Anne telling me she was outside.

"Hey Leigh" I smiled as I opened the door for her.

"Hey babe" she gave me a quick one armed hug, in her other hand she held her black writing journal.

"Where are the girls?"

"We couldn't get through to Jade so Jes went to get her" I replied as I took my seat back on the bed, absentmindedly twiddling my pen between my fingers.

"That's actually good" Leigh said while looking at me.

"Uh, it is?" I asked confused.

"Ya, well, I just wanted to check in on you, see how you're doing" she gave me a sympathetic smile " I love you so much Pez. You're our little ray of sunshine but these last few months you just don't seem yourself"

"I love you too- but I'm not really sure what your on about Leigh?"

She rested her hand on my knee.

"You just seem like you've been carrying a lot of worries lately" she paused for a moment as if she was weighing her next words carefully. "Jade is amazing, you know how much I love her-"

"What's Jade got to do with this?" I interrupted nervously.

"I know you and her have gotten close again and I'm happy for you, honestly. But just don't forget that Jade can sometimes take a bit more than she gives" she gave my knee a gentle squeeze "you always see the best in people, it's what we love about you, but sometimes people take advantage of that. Jade hardly looked your way when she didn't need you. So just be careful. Please Pez, I don't want to see you hurt"

"Oh, um, ya. I'll be careful"

"Okay" Leigh looked relived "I just had to say that, now we can get serious about writing"

Easy for her to say. I was still confused as to what excatly Leigh-Anne's warning had ment. Ya sure, Jade could be a bit selfish at times, but I mean we all could be. Jade would never just take from me, I ment more to her than that. We were best friends for gods sake. I shook my head as if to remove the negative idea and grabbed my notebook.

"Have you had any ideas for songs Pez?" Leigh asked from her perch on the couch.

"Um, not really, I mean I had a few ideas but they were all kind of- well- depressing" I shrugged and tried to hide the smile on my lips "I'm feeling a bit more positive these days"

Leigh-Anne let out a loud squeal "Have you met someone?"

I couldn't help my cheeks from heating up.

"No-o-o" I dragged out "nothing like that, I'm just feeling more open to it"

Leigh-Anne opened her mouth to respond just as there was a knock on the door. She get up from the couch while pointing at me.

"This conversation is far from over missy" she laughed as she went to answer the door.

A red faced and laughing Jesy rushes in, Leigh and I looked at each other in amusement.

"You okay there Jes?" I asked laughing at the state she was in.

"Oh my god girls, the funniest thing just happened" Jesy started but had to stop quickly as she bent over laughing even more, a few tears escaping her eyes.

"Tell us" Leigh whined impatiently.

"Okay" Jesy said, taking a breath to regain her composure "so I went to get Jade right, and she was totally having sex with Jed over face time"

Jesy broke down again into more laughter as Leigh-Anne joined in.

"Ohmygod" Leigh giggled "this is perfect material to wind her up with"

I mustered the biggest smile I could and tried to laugh. My stomach felt like it had fallen through the floor. I blinked rapidly as I felt tears start to sting the back of my eyes. I am such an idiot.

"I'm just going to the bathroom" I managed to say, walking quickly and closing the door tightly behind me just in time as tears spilled out and down my face. I looked into the mirror. "Idiot" I muttered to myself "fucking idiot". When was I going to get it through my thick head that Jade only saw me as a friend, a friend she had slept with, but a friend nonetheless. I felt angry all of a sudden. How could she do that though? How could she sleep with me this morning, spend a whole intimate day together and then go off and have cyber sex with stupid perfect Jed. I was just going to have to except that I was her friend and she was sleeping with me, for whatever reason and Jed. Jed, I thought sadly, Jed was the person she loved, the person who made her heart skip, the person that she wanted to spend forever with. Just as Jade was that for me.

I took a deep breath, trying to steady my heartbeat. I knew what I would usually do in a situation like this, but I couldn't risk it with Jesy and Leigh just outside. I tried to keep my eyes on my reflection and not at the makeup bag where I knew my razor lay. Setting my shoulders, I wiped my face and returned to the room, sat on the bed and grabbed my notebook. Suddenly I had tons of inspiration.

Closing my eyes, I thought of Jade, of how she could lift me up like no one else but also break my heart. With that in mind I began to jot down ideas. I hardly noticed Leigh-Anne looking over my shoulder.

"Jeez Pez, I thought you were going to write a love song?" She laughed while looking at what I had written. I glanced down too. In the center of the page was written 'You're the medicine and the pain' and under that a quote I had seen on Instagram 'Find what you love and let it kill you'.

"Just ideas" I mumbled. There was no way in hell I would be writing a love song with the way I felt right now. I could feel Jesy's eyes burning into the back of my head but I refused to turn around, letting my mind go back to Jade and the fuckstorm of emotions that she was putting me through. She was going to be the death of me, I knew that now. She was going to rip my heart to shreds and the worst part was I would let her do it, a thousand times over, if it ment I got to be with her. I loved her, all of her, even the darkest parts. Looking down I was surprised to see lyrics on the top corner of the page, I wasn't even aware that I had being writing.

Jesy and Leigh were laughing loudly at something on Jesy's phone when a knock finally came to the door. I kept my eyes trained on my notebook as Leigh answered. As soon as Jade appeared Jesy began teasing her, a light pink shade graced her cheeks. Even though I was hurt by her I couldn't help but think how beautiful she looked- fresh faced, hair still damp and thrown up into a messy bun. She made her way to the bed and sat down, not before giving my knee a squeeze. I tried to act normal, but my skin burned from her touch. I could feel her looking down at what I had written, she smiled a bit, killing me even more.

I guess I had found what I loved and I was letting it kill me.