failures » kpop ✓

prologue

There is no easy way to explain why I am sad.

All that I know is that if I wound find myself in a life or death situation right now, my first thought probably wouldn't be trying to come up with a way to save myself.

Or at least that was what I used to believe until I was actually forced to choose.

What do I want?

Do I want to live or do I want to die?

In the snap of a finger, that suddenly became a very tough question to answer.

I was always one of those typical moody teenagers. I dressed in black, I smoked cigarettes and listened to songs about the saddest moments in life. Teachers in school would always give me speeches about the bright future that I was purposely trying to ruin for myself and I never thought about listening to them. My death glare practically screamed 'don't you dare try to say that this is just a phase', while the sole of my old sneakers impatiently tapped on the ground and my fingers had to result to clawing at my skin instead of lighting up the cigarette that I was desperately hoping to have.

It's really not a phase, but I wish it was.

I didn't think I would mind dying, but oh boy, was I wrong.

My life was turned upside down and all of the sudden I got catapulted in to a completely different world. It was the universe of white coats, stethoscopes and blood checks. The universe of sitting around in waiting rooms for hours and dying from boredom. It was the universe where I wasn't even close to being as powerful as I thought I was and every new envelope from the hospital sent my heartbeat through the roof.

'' So, how are we feeling about this new revelation, Somi? ''

'' You really want to know, mom? I feel like about to lose my mind. ''

'' Uh... Maybe it's time for you to stop listening to that sad music from 2013. ''

I never expected to find myself laying on a hospital bed and blushing like an idiot. I forgot about my mother's reminders to be polite as soon as I sat down in front of the doctor, but the serious faced woman only sighed at my childish behaviour. She seemed tired and I noticed that the trash bin in the corner was filled with empty coffee cups from the vending machines. I stopped myself from making any comments about the ugly bra that I was wearing and I heard her mumble something about how she hated kids until her eyes suddenly grew wide in shock.

'' Are you a fainter? I'm sorry for asking, it's just that I have these shitty tiles on the floor and blood always gets stuck between them. ''

'' I never was, but I suddenly feel like I should be sitting down for this one. I feel like my day is about to get ruined and I don't want to ruin the cleaner's day too. ''

Cancer.

That word hit me harder than any slap that I've ever gotten from my mother's flip flops.

I used to be a proud trainwreck, but now here I was, standing on the flip side and using all my non existent arm muscles, overly active imagination and ridiculously slow thought process to try and stop an incoming disaster.