Sweet Iced Tea

Chapter 45

Friday, November 28th

The black bag that Luke have me sets on my windowsill, looming like a bad dream after one wakes up. Except with this, I know it won't eventually leave. When Luke gave it to me, he said it wouldn't hurt me unless I let it. That alone is terrifying, because I don't want to hurt anymore. I want to get better. 
But I also want to know what's in that bag. 
"Mom!" I call, pulling my blanket tighter around my shoulders. 
She appears in the doorway, her face pinched and a tad pale. "What?" She asks, sounding slightly irritated. 
I point to the box. "Can you give that to me?"
She gives me an 'are you kidding me' look, but hands it over anyway. "That's all you wanted?"
"Can you open it too?" I hold it back out. 
"Why?"
"Please."
"Alright." She grumbles, and I squeeze my eyes shut when the zipper gives off a squeal. 
"What is it?" I question, eyes still closed.
"It's a video camera." She says, and I look up to see her turning it over in her hands. "It has a couple of memory cards with it, too." She hands the whole thing down to me. 
It feels cold and heavy in my hands. It feels black, if that's possible. 
"I've got to go finish making your brother's soup. Love you, sweetie."
"Love you too." I say distantly, looking down at the video camera. I'm scared to look at whatever videos might be on it. I don't want to hurt anymore.
Despite my own wishes, my finger hits the power button, and it turns on. Next, I find myself staring at Josh's face. And then, my finger hits the play button. 
It starts with Josh waving, a weary grin on his face, and the long, stitched-up gash stretching from his eyebrow to his cheekbone.
"Hey Leah. I know this is weird, because of you're watching this I'm either dead or showing you my plan b in case I died. So I guess you could say this is the past me talking to you right now, whenever now is."
He clears his throat, eyes darting away from the camera, before he licks his lips and stares back at me. I blink, a tear slipping off my eyelashes. He was such a nerd. He always liked trying to explain theories about time to me. About wormholes, and time warps. I never tried understand it, but now I wish I'd listened.
"I know that you're probably either laughing or crying right now, unless you're being yourself and pretending that it doesn't hurt. Well dandelion, I wish I could fix that. Because I love you. But I can't. So, I'll just keep talking, even though it's really weird to be talking to a camera, or should I say, you in the future."
I chuckle thickly, wiping my eyes on the sleeve of my hoodie. It's so good to hear his voice and see his face. But what I really want is a hug. 
"If you're happy to be seeing this, you should thank Luke, because he's the one with the video camera. He's the one being a secret agent to smuggle it in and out while you're not around." He winks, but accidentally with the wrong eye, and groans loudly.  
"Man, that hurts. Bro, get me some ice or something."
I hear Luke's quick "Okay." before Josh grins at the camera. 
"Anyway, I love you so damn much, and I want you to live a good life. You're my dandelion. And guess what's so cool about dandelions? They are some persistent boogers. They can survive just about anything. I believe that you're gonna make it." He makes an air kiss. "I love you, baby."
I pinch my lips together as tears pour down my cheeks. But somehow that rebellious finger finds the 'next' button, and hits play. 
He's still in the hospital, but his cut is starting to heal, marring one side of his beautiful,  smiling, face. 
"Hey darlin'."
He laughs, looking somewhere above the screen. I hear Luke's voice. 
"Dude, you just sounded like your dad."
Josh scoffs. "Sure. And you look just like yours."
More laughing, and Luke talking in the background. 
Josh shakes his head. "Whatever, man. Whatever helps you sleep at night. No, I didn't mean that in a good way. Sure."
I laugh tearfully. I didn't realize that they were such good friends. Luke was never mentioned.
"Anyway, hi Leah. You left a whole ago to go home and make tea, so I'm not sure when you'll be back. I kind of hope you'll be back soon, but I don't really want to cut this short-" he frowns, bringing his watch into the picture. "I should have enough time. Again, anyway, I'm going to settle some other things that might be in question if I am, in fact, gone. Okay, for starters. I want Blue to go to Jonah. They really get along, same with Grace and Peppermint. If you don't know who Peppermint is, just ask Gracie. She'll tell you." He chuckles. "She's such a cute kid. Cora can have any horse of mine she wants, except for Cat. Cat is yours. She's had some hard times in her life too, so I think you two will get along. That mare is an amazing animal. And Hunter is yours, obviously. I don't need to tell you that. He's always been yours. My roping stud, Red, is dad's."
I watch his face go thoughtful for a second. 
"Come on," I whisper, "I need to hear Cat's story."
He looks back up, running his hand through his messy mop of brown hair. "I suppose I ought to tell you about Cat. The wondering is going to kill you until you find out otherwise." He smiles. "God, I love you. Anyway, I'll just get on with it now. Cat was born on our place, when I was eight. Her Mama was my mom's horse. 
"When she was born, mom was already really sick. She was dying. But the last thing she wanted was to go see her horse and her baby. Cat was two months old. The day that mom died, me, dad, and my sisters all were in shock. We didn't feed the horses, we didn't put them in the barn after dark. That's where it all went very wrong. 
"The next morning, Cat and her mom were both gone. We looked for them, and we eventually found Cat, in the pasture alone, and down the hill a ways, her mama, leg broken and twisted in a gopher hole. We had to put her down. It was terrible. I couldn't sleep for days, and Cat wouldn't stop calling for her mom. So one night,  I snuck out my window and slept in the barn.
"See? We've got a lot in common. And, that's Cat's story. We lost our mamas on the same day, and are really close for that reason."
I smile, sniffing loudly. 
"Crap. Luke's just spotted you walking across the parking lot. Love you, dandelion."
I turn on the next one.
My boyfriend smiles and waves tiredly, sighing. I don't know where he is in this one. But he's on a bed.
"Hey dandelion." He says in a hushed tone, shifting the angle of the camera just slightly. 
He's not wearing a shirt. 
"I have to keep it down because you're in the other room, reading. Yes, my ornery little bookworm. I know, I wouldn't want to disturb you. That, and this whole video thing is kind of a secret. I don't want you to know just yet."
He tucks an arm behind his head. "I'm really tired. And my chest hurts. I actually don't feel good at all..." He grimaces, and pulls his arm back down. "I wish it would stop. Anyway, I really, really love you, and, you're my girl, um, I don't really know what else to say... I keep having dreams. About you, and a little girl named Josslynn Gean. I think she's yours, but she doesn't look like me. So I don't know really know, is it a sign? Am I going to die? I'm positive. It all hurts to much for me to be okay.
"Alright. That's enough of that kind of talk. Leah, you're amazing. I know that you're going to do awesome things. Probably not in barrel racing, because, I'm going to put this nicely, you kind of really suck. 
"Yeah, that's exactly what you need to hear right now. But it's true. You're not a barrel racer. But you wanna know what you are? An amazing kisser. A treasure of a girlfriend. A sweet best friend. An awesome riding buddy. An extremely hot woman.
He blushes. "Maybe my brain didn't catch up to my mouth on that one, but it's so darn true. You're smokin'."
I muffle a giggle in my blanket. 
"Actually, I think I'll go take a look at you. Love you, babe."
I insert the next memory card, and wait rather impatiently until it turns on. 
He grins at me from the screen, and I bring a finger up to touch his face. But it's still a screen. It's not him. 
"Hi baby. It's the twenty-ninth of October, and I am definitively dying. I know, I'm so optimistic. It's not a good feeling to die, I'm learning. I really don't like the swelling in my feet. Now that is just disgusting, but guess what's worse? The fact that I can't supply myself with oxygen. That's the worst part. Constantly being out of breath. Not being able to stand up for very long because I'll pass out. It's not very much fun. 
"Anyway, enough about me. I need to tell you about Luke. I know, you're probably thinking, "What about him?", but he's important, so just listen. I want you to be a friend to him. He's a bit odd, I know, but he's only got me, friend-wise. He would be the best man at our wedding if we had one. And I want you to stay close to him. He'll take care of you. He's always loved you, so it'll be good. I won't be jealous. You two need each other. 
"Luke, you take care of her. Love her. Keep her safe. Love her children for me, even if they're not yours. It's what I would do. And never let her go a day without telling her how much she matters. She's a lucky find, Bro, so that makes you a lucky man. It makes me a blessed man because I got to keep her for as long as I did. 
"Love her horses. Take interest in her hobbies. And read those freaking books that she gives you to read. I wish I did. Too late now, though. 
"So, man, take her advice in reading material. She'll love you forever."
I try to hold back a sob, tears flooding my eyes. "I miss you." I whisper, brushing the edge of the screen with my thumb. 
"And Leah, don't ever let anyone call me Joshua Gene Hart when they talk about me, okay? I don't like the idea. That title is reserved for your use only. Love you, Leah."
The next one seems to play automatically. 
"Hey girl, what's your name girl? I've been lookin' at you, and every guy here's doin' the same girl." He starts laughing, ending with a loud cough. He looks up, but not at the camera. "Yeah, I know it's funny... Dude, don't say things like that." He glares in that direction. "No, seriously. That's not good at all."
I hear Bailey's voice. "Can I make a cake?"
"Sure. I don't care. So, Leah, I've already serenaded you and reprimanded Luke for being a perv-... dude, whatever. That was a pervy thing to say. Alright. Quiet. 
"Sorry. As I was saying, Bailey says she's making you a cake, etcetera. I wish you were here right now because I miss you."
I manage a small smile, my puffy eyes feeling even puffier.
"So...what haven't I covered in these videos? Oh, yeah. 
"I want you to go to church. Go with my dad and meet our pastor. Meet his wife. Go over to their house for supper. Take their twelve year old daughter riding. Love Jesus. 
"Those are my last requests. Could you please respect them? Jesus doesn't deserve your anger. He died so that you wouldn't have to. 
"Be quiet. You don't have to have something to say about everything. Sorry about Luke. He won't shut up-" the camera wobbles as I hear a grunt and a thud, then Luke's voice whining. 
"Bro! Don't you know is not nice to push people off of furniture?"
"Hasn't ever stopped you." Josh chortles, before looking back into the lense. 
"I love you. Seriously. I love you so much that there aren't words to describe it."
I hear a scream, followed by Bailey's voice screeching words that shouldn't ever leave a person's mouth. 
"What kind of moron stacks jars of salsa?!" She screams, "Oh my god! It's all over me! Oh my god!"
"Bailey, go wash off." Josh says, squinting. "Geez, that stuff's strong. You sure it wasn't hot sauce?"
"I don't know!" she shrieks. 
"Go wash off." I hear Luke say. 
"Hmm. Memories, huh? And that was ghost pepper salsa. My dad puts it on his eggs. But that doesn't matter. Geez, the rabbit trails are everywhere today." He rubs his forehead. "What is today?"
"November 1st." Luke mutters. 
"Oh, yeah. Now I remember. Anyway, I really don't want to die on you and everything. It's really not a good thing to do to you. I'm super sorry."
I rub my eyes. "You should be." I don't blame him though. 
"Well, apparently you're back with the tea. I love you so freaking much." He stretches of his arms. "I love you this big. To the moon and back and back again. To the horsehead nebula, and back, even." He bows his head and bites his lip, then looks back to me. "Goodbye, dandelion."
I can't breathe. I don't want to breathe. I just want to go back and kiss him. To go back and hold onto him. To go back and keep him safe. 
And then I remember. 
I want to go back and not leave him alone that one bad day.