Tales Between the Lines

VII.3 - Larktrodden Castle

VII.3

The result of Sürmu's next spell was as satisfying as it was efficient. Angry winds howled in from the horizon, entered the windows and doors of the now barbiefied castle, scoured its halls, chambers, and corridors, and swept away anything female, be it cat, dog, or witch.

Once the storm had died down, Larktrodden Castle stood silent—pink and purple, embedded in a garden of roses and lilacs—and inhabited by males only.

King Löu was not unhappy with the result. Sweeping his household to get rid of all old females and replenishing it with fresh ones seemed like a good idea, and the castle's new color scheme was bound to attract new members of that gender quickly.

To expedite that matter, Löu ordered all the sixteen-year-old, blonde, freckled virgins of his kingdom to Larktrodden Castle.

One of them was Tussinelda, a girl from Bernia's upper country.

Learning about this, her fiancé, Blödu—a lowly peasant working the harsh, sloped fields of that backwater region—was not happy.

Blödu, whose birth name Blöde Siech had been shortened for obscure dialectical reasons, filled his knapsack with chocolate and cheese,* put on his best half-linen suit and sturdy walking boots, donned his warmest felt cap against the freezing mountain wind, and picked up his wanderer's staff.

With long, determined strides, he left his beloved Bernian mountains and followed the king's road towards the infamous castle of Larktrodden. Only one goal led his steps: to find and free his one and only, his sweet Tussinelda.

At this very moment, said maid sat in a kingly carriage, fighting a dozen of her fellow teenage beauties for a glance out of the small window at the shiny castle in the distance.

A chorus of "ah's" and "oh's" mixed with rather unladylike curses when elbows connected with ribs, blond tresses got pulled, and hard fists found soft targets during the carriage's final approach.

At last, the six white horses' hooves thundered over the drawbridge, and the four ironclad wagon wheels clattered over the now-pink cobblestones of the castle yard.
The carriage came to a stop and the noises inside subsided.

A valet in a pink-and-purple striped uniform** opened the door, and thirteen disheveled teenagers tumbled out of the wagon, mouths agape and widened eyes fixed on the impressive figure of Lord Glünggi who stood ready to welcome his master's newest acquisitions.***

"Good afternoon, young ladies. Welcome to Larktrodden castle. Would you please arrange yourself in a neat row over there?"

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* For you never know if you'll find tasty chocolate™️ and well-ripened cheese™️ outside of your familiar realm™️.
** The valet's name was Ken, by the way.
*** Yes, Glünggi stole the show from Ken. Maybe Ken's uniform was too much.

~ ~ ~

Aligning the girls took some minutes—minutes filled with jostling, hissing, and clandestine kicking. Every girl wanted to be at the head of the row, so whenever one of them took that position, another one would sneak around her, which made the row move along a tortuous path through the courtyard and forced bewildered Lord Glünggi to follow its progress.

Finally, the current row's head hit a wall, and the whole movement shuddered to a stop.

The Lord took the opportunity to address the new staff.

"Listen, soldiers... er... gals. You're now in King Löu's employment. Which means you'll obey his every wish. Whatever it is. Understood?"

Twenty-six uncomprehending eyes were exploring Glünggi's muscles.

Someone cleared their throat behind Glünggi.

Twenty-six uncomprehending eyes wandered to the newcomer, checked him out, assessed him, but then they quickly returned to Glünggi and started inspecting his nether parts.

Glünggi stood even straighter when he realized who was standing next to him. He banged his fist against his breastbone.

"My King."

The girls became still.

King Löu pulled the blood-red lips in his white face into a smile.*

"Welcome, Ladies." His right hand dug into the breast pocket of his jacket and retrieved a scroll. He handed it to Glünggi. "Lord Glünggi, this is the 'ordre du jour'. Read it to our new staff, please."

With that, the king turned on bleached heels and headed back to the castle main entrance—a dark, open maw swallowing a royal icicle.

While the girls' attention drifted back to Glünggi like iron shavings to a strong magnet or flies to fresh turd, the lord unrolled the king's lily-white scroll and cleared his throat. With his manly, deep, and resounding voice he began to read, giving every kingly word in the scroll the importance it deserved. A wave of swooning rippled through the assembled female audience.

"His royal majesty, king Löu the twenty-first, emperor of the Flat Lands Between Here And The Horizon, protector of the Hilly Structures Forming The Horizon, patron of the Unknown Lands Beyond The Horizon, benevolent sponsor of the entirety of the realm's inhabitants, gracious knight of the White Stone, Lord of Larktrodden castle, master of mysterious secrets and unexplored cavities, hereby decrees..."

Lord Glünggi's voice trailed off, and the color of his face darkened until it matched the purple tiles of the castle while his eyes followed the writing. He cleared his throat again—and one more time, just to be sure it was really cleared. Thirteen pairs of eyes hung at his sensual lips, waiting to greedily drink in the next words his ravishing voice might utter.

But Glünggi rolled the scroll with shaking, white-knuckled hands and used it to point towards a small purple door in the castle wall. He swallowed and, for good measure, cleared his throat a fourth and a fifth time, although it didn't need any clearing at this point. Suddenly his voice had lost its luster and sounded harsh and strained.

"In there. Cook awaits you."

Patiently, Glünggi waited for the girls to disappear through the indicated door before he threw the offending scroll into the deep well in the yard's center with a disgusted glance.

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* Yes, Löu is wearing lipstick. He's allowed to; he's the King after all.