Confession

Chapter 5: Laughing

Chapter 5

Laughing

It was dark. The surrounding was filled with emptiness and everywhere you could look at, there was only a void. Except for the light coming from the laptop and the clicking sounds coming from typing into the laptop keyboard. With a hood over my head and glasses on my eyes, I stare into the laptop screen, not bothering the background noises that I could hear inside my head.

It was 10 o clock in the evening and the wind's breeze was especially cold.

I was half-way done with my paper as I have already finished Jade's and I was very much bothered by the fact that I keep trying to type nonsense filled with feigning innocence and trying to sound like a person with the best moral conduct in the world, when I am just a lying snake who lives by fear.

I would type, 'Pre-marital sex is a sin caused by lust and requires repentance in order to gain salvation by God. It is only through salvation that we could attain bliss, on the other hand, the sin only taints the soul and crushes the spirit.'  Then, I could not help but erase out of disgust because I clearly wasn't going to accept the idea. It just feels so fake and sometimes, I was wondering how callous my conscience was to be living with such hypocritical ideals. I don't even believe in salvation and what the bible says. What if the teacher asks me about this topic? Knowing everything I wrote is against what I truly believe, I'll have to expect that I'm going to make a fool out of myself.

I don't want to feel humiliated in front of the class. I don't want them all to look at me, laughing and piercing me with their cold stares. I've had enough and there's a limit to how I can take the pain.

If I were asked what my thoughts on the things taught in the bible, I say it was just a moral guide into growing up and it is something people believe in as an excuse to escape from this cruel reality. I don't believe that there is a God. Just worrying how to get through the day takes up too much toll in me, how else should I worry about what God would think of me? Like, He doesn't even care if I do exist or not because if He did, I wouldn't be feeling this way.

Okay, my thoughts have been completely led astray and I think I'm only worrying about things that really won't happen.

But, I can't deny the fact that there is still a percentage that all my worries could happen. Even just a 0.01% of chances, then there is still a possibility.

I sighed, docking my head into the desk. I feel so drained and so damn tired, thinking about shit like that. There's this feeling that I want to be happy..

I want all my worries to be gone. I want them to stop running inside my head. I want them to die down.

Even if it's just for a few moments,

I want to escape into the world of pleasure..

There was suddenly a switch flipped inside me. I can feel it again through the depths of my gut.

"Don't do anything stupid, Eiddwen." A thought whispered inside my head. I rolled my eyes and let out another sigh of frustration.

Even my own thoughts are reprimanding me. I should look for more credible resources for my paper and I should read more into it so I won't make a fool out of myself when I get called to the front and explain my work.

~Masturbation, a sin?

The Bible nowhere explicitly states that masturbation is a sin, but there is no question that the actions that usually lead to masturbation are sinful. Masturbation is nearly always the result of lustful thoughts, inappropriate sexual stimulation, and/or pornography. It is these problems that need to be dealt with. If the sins of lust, immoral thoughts, and pornography are forsaken and overcome, masturbation will become much less of an issue and temptation. Many people struggle with guilt concerning masturbation, when, in reality, they would be far better off repenting of the sins that lead them to masturbate.