Confession

Chapter 8: Admiration, Attraction then, Disappointment

Chapter 8

Admiration, Attraction then, Disappointment

Coming back home from school, I tossed my bag to the side and did the same thing to my shoes. Today was a bit more tiring than usual and the fact that I am feeling more empty makes me want to just lay in bed and sleep. Every time I meet this silence, and lonesome atmosphere inside the condo, I get the feeling of being stuck inside a prison. The same thing happens again and again and the feeling of wanting to feel like an alive person just appears to me like an itch. There isn't anybody that I can talk to about this and there is no way that I can reveal something like this to someone to knows me like a normal person would.

And the only way that I could see to fill this empty void is to feel a pleasure that would make me forget everything. And I know exactly what I am looking for.

It is when I turn off the lights and everything would be filled with darkness, surrounding me. It was soothing, calm and silent. Just when the relentless thoughts bombarding my brain all at the same time, I turn on my laptop and open a private window. Then, go into a website where most people fill their voids with lust.

And when I just randomly click even just a short video, it doesn't even take two minutes until my eyes are hooked and completely absorbed into the video. The voice of the woman screaming in my ears, her moans, her gasps and the way she tries so hard to contain herself makes me want to feel what she's been feeling. Whether it was a mixture of pain and pleasure, I didn't care as long as I could block all of my thoughts out of my brain.

The heat rushing from my feet to my pelvis, then my abdomen, then to my neck makes it hard to breathe. But the setting was there since I was on my way to obtain the thing that I've been desiring. A few more minutes into the video, and I wanted more than just steadily viewing and letting my imagination do its job. I wanted physical action.

As I watch the man doing his job, providing intense pleasure to the woman, I started to have this desire to imagine placing myself in the shoes of the woman experiencing the wonders of sex. As I was beginning to move, my toes curl, my limbs tense, and my stomach hardens as if I suddenly had an internal conflict with myself. New thoughts forced their way into my head.

Don't do it.

Don't hurt yourself again.

But, I did not dare to listen and did it anyway. Although I had this existing conflict, the reason that would always win is that, I'm tired. I'm tired. I'm tired.

And after a while that I would feel the peak of pleasure, the empty feeling returns. A warm liquid flows in between my legs, but I feel nothing. The void just became bigger. A snicker would escape my lips and I can't help but feel stupid. A feeling of despair just comes in without any warning and all of sudden, I would feel like I'm such a useless existence.

The thoughts that I so desperately tried to block became so unruly. It was like lifting the gates to the hungry wolves, whose teeth grind and impatiently runs towards their prey with nothing but a single goal. To devour.

The feeling of wanting to blame myself and wanting myself to pay for what I've done just comes in. It was like I deserved to be in pain. Then I warp into a portal of darkness and fall into a nightmare. I see things that mold my fear, things that seem to eat me out alive. I hear things that screech anger, wails of cries, and weepings that pierces me like a thousand times until I could no longer feel anything.