Confession

Chapter 7: Blood is beautiful

Chapter 7

Blood is beautiful

It stings. It hurts. But it feels good. It makes me feel like I can breathe. I love looking at it when the blood slowly sips out of my skin. And when it drips from my finger, I feel proud. I can feel pain. I am still alive. I am not numb. I can feel the pain.

Yes I started cutting. It's been a long time since then and I did not enjoy it as much as I did now. I am messed up but what can I do? No one can save me. I feel so lonely and I don't know what exactly to think to keep me insane. Fuck this shit. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't feel satisfied with just one cut, I feel like I needed more.

Ahhh, I don't know. I just feel so messed up. I want to feel pleasure. I can't write my feelings out. Why did I do that? Why am I cutting? Why am I so addicted to porn? Why do I keep hurting myself? Why do I feel like I can't be saved.

The images are replaying over and over my head. It's scary but beautiful. I can't think straight. It's so scary that I feel like I don't know who I truly am.

Who am I really? Who is the real Eiddwen? Am I really the kind girl I wanted to be? Or am I truly the girl who's drowning in lust? Do I want to stay messed up? Why does it feel as if my brain's split in two?

Why does it seem like someone's whispering to my ear that I want to watch fucking porn videos and finger myself even if I know that's wrong? Why does it seem like, in front of my other self, I can't tell which one is right or wrong? Why can't I just fill the void inside of me? What is love, really?

Keeping a smile is getting harder and harder these days and I'm not sure if I can keep up with all of these happening at once. It's so hard to keep up with my thoughts. I want to forget about them all. I just want to go home and sleep for the whole day.

"Eid?" I hear a woman's voice calling after me. After automatically reacting to the sound, I put on a smile and tried to look for the direction of which the voice came from. I found Jade standing in front of me, with her hand placed on my desk.

"Have you finished my homework?" she asked with a cheerful smile.

"Yeah, sure. All done," I replied, trying to sound fine. She took the homework I did for her instantly and smiled in satisfaction while looking over her now, assignment. But then, her eyes fell on me and suddenly scrutinized me over and I gave her an inquisitive look.

"My God, girl. Why do you look like a banshee?" she exclaimed as she placed her hand on my chin and held it up so she could see it clearly.

"Um, stayed up late," I replied abruptly.

"Fix yourself, girl, You don't want to look like a messed-up bitch for the guy I set you up with," she said as she was giggling.

"Are you serious?" I exclaimed, confused.

"Oh, baby I am. In fact, I got tickets to a concert for free cause you know," she said and she pointed at her breasts. "I got my ways."

"The guy I set you up with is coming so you better look presentable. He's a big fish. His name is Jay and the main vocalist of a band called Intravezre. Search it up and you'll know shit. You'll thank us after," she said while giggling. "The concert's this friday. He's playing and we'll pick you up at 8 pm. You better be there."

"Oh, out that late? Um, my parents are gonna call at 7:30–"

"Just tell them you're going to sleep early, bitch it's not gonna hurt that much. I'm telling you, go and have some fun! You're wasting youth," She exclaimed frustratedly. "Whatever. You have to get out of it. Don't mess this up, okay sweetie?"