Sakura (How to Obtain a Reverse Harem in Naruto)

Repeat

"I am instantly 70% nicer after 3pm on Friday."

-Anonymous

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

Warning: This is a crack fic. If you don't know that by this point I don't know how to help you.

One day I'd like to get someone to go back through all I have written and fix it. I'm clearly too lazy to do so.

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I held Yukie's hand as we toured Konoha. I took her to my favorite places to eat, and a training ground I frequented. I even brought her over to the hospital where I worked and showed her my office—and a couple pictures of some gnarly surgeries which she looked at with wide eyes—before taking her back to her hotel.

Unsurprisingly her guards were quite displeased with her impromptu visitation, but she waved away their concerns and asked me to visit her while she was here.

On the way back, I couldn't help but shoot Kakuzu a wink-wink-nudge-nudge.

He blatantly ignored me, but I could tell he was getting flushed under all my teasing.

"C'mon old man, just admit you got a thing for her. I got a thing for her," I tried to coax out of him as I hopped across the rooftops. The gorgeous night air pleasantly blew through my hair. Konoha always had such amazing weather, and that day was no different. There wasn't even a cloud in the sky above us, so we could admire the twinkling stars and the big full moon.

"I do not have a thing for anyone," he grouched. He and Sasori were a little harder to see at night since they were normally transparent. I wished I could get a better view of his face.

"She's almost thirty, so the age difference isn't so bad," Sasori hesitantly added, grimacing as he did so. Kakuzu glared hotly at him for that and the puppet master sneered back in return. "Anyone with a brain can read your reactions. Admitting it will save us both a headache from Sakura's inane ramblings."

"He's right," I agreed, wondering how great it'd be if I could double jump mid air like a video game character. "I will ramble inanely."

Kakuzu looked like he swallowed glass shards as he considered his options. "I do not dislike her, but I have no intentions of ever pursuing a relationship."

"Have you considered joining a harem?"

"I am never joining your deranged group of idiots," hissed Kakuzu.

"I wasn't asking about mine," I insisted. "I was merely asking in general."

"Never."

"Jeeze. Okay, okay. I'll get you to join at a later date."

Sasori rubbed at his face. "If I say I'll join your wretched club would you release me?"

"Yes," I answered perfectly serious. "Are you saying you'll join?"

Sasori's lip curled back in distaste. "You have not broken me."

"Yet," I added with a chirp and a smile. "I know how Stockholm syndrome works and I'm not against using it against psychopaths."

"You are a genuine monster."

"A little bit," I agreed. "Certainly desensitised."

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A couple days later...

"Oh," I said out loud to myself as a flood of information popped up in my head. I was in my kitchen with Hinata and Naruto making a cake—my Akatsuki boy toys were watching a movie in the living room—when it happened.