If Only | Tododeku

Chapter 4

Hello wonderful peoples I am back.

Finally.

To the very few people who might have been looking forward to me updating like two weeks ago, sorry. We had finals this week, and overall I had to finish a lot of work before school ended.

That was a lie. I was exempt from finals, there was no work. I'm actually the idiot here.

I am very sorry to those people.

And I totally hate how the last chapter ended. I mean...not the story part, but the writing is SO FRICKING RUSHED. I really want to go back and fix it but ugh. (Actually I did change it, so you should totally read that part……...I mean, only if you want to idk)

This is pretty random. At first I was kinda just writing the chapters without putting much thought into it, but now I've started to write down major events, or the base of a chapter. I have an outline for at least four more chapters now. I think it miiiight flow better like this, although I actually have no idea. I might just be lying to myself.

(Todoroki pov)

"I'm sorry, Midoriya, but I can't return your feelings."

Somewhere in the swarm of thoughts running through my mind, there's a faint feeling of regret. I ignore it.

At first he just looks shocked. His face pales, white as a ghost. His eyes widen and cloud over. Tears start running down his face, even though his expression is still blank.

But then a single feeling takes over him: pain. His face scrunches up and the tears come faster. He slouches over, effectively covering his face from me. Thankfully. He stumbles back a step while squeezing his stomach.

He lifts his head up, letting me see his eyes.

The green starts to take on a gold hue, so subtle that I can barely tell. That's weird. He looks into my own, and for a moment I feel completely devoid of emotion. But a split second later I'm hit with a bus of feeling. So much that I almost forget my own.

Everything happens all at once. I feel like I've been stabbed with a serrated knife in my heart multiple times, being twisted again and again. Instinctively I clutch my shirt at the source of the pain, crumpling it up. Tears blur my vision, but my eyes stayed locked with his. I furrow my eyebrows from the intense throbbing in my chest.

Maintaining eye contact proves to be very difficult, and I jerk my gaze to his right shoulder. Instantly I feel so much better, and I gasp in relief. The tears go away, leaving my eyes dry. There's no longer a sharp pain in my chest. What the hell was that? I would almost believe I was imagining it if not for the ache still present on my chest.

I press my hand, which was previously clutching my shirt, flat against my chest. I try to take deep breaths, but it's difficult since I'm coughing and panting.

Midoriya speaks, pulling me out of my thoughts. When it comes out it's shaky and forced. "Ah...I see."

This time it's my own feelings, which aren't nearly as painful. Wh..why. I almost take back my words, but shake my head. No, stop. Ignore it. If you get through this it'll be all over, and you won't be able to hurt him anymore.

His tears don't stop, which don't help my efforts of ignoring him. He closes his eyes, which are still slightly gold, and wipes them with his sleeve. I never want to see him with that expression ever again. Especially because of me.

Idiot. That's why you can't be with him. You do things like this.

I watch painfully as he grabs his things, wiping his eyes again. I need to be careful. I can't look at them yet; they're still gold. He turns around, facing me again. I focus on his hair to distract myself from his eyes.