The Aftermath (Book 1)

Chapter 3

Elaina and Nikolai above.

Elaina POV

I stared at the picture of us as tears slowly slid down my cheeks.

"What does this picture make you feel about yourself?" Jane asked.

"Stupid," I responded.

"Why?"

"Because I was blindly in love. Massively mad with happiness, without a care in the world. The thought of divorce, heartbreak, betrayal, or anything bad never even crossed my mind. I didn't exist without him. He was my everything even though I had everything. Now everything is fucked."

"Elaina have you ever thought that maybe you don't actually want a divorce?"

I looked up at her and smiled, "In a perfect world. But every time I look at him I see her. I see the betrayal and I feel the hurt. I pretend for my kids because they shouldn't have to feel the pain of his infidelity. But it's breaking me."

"I want you to do an exercise for me. This week do five things you normally do with Nikolai, alone."

**********************

I sat in the tub filled with roses and oil. Nikolai would be massaging my shoulders telling me about all the things we were going to do when the kids were asleep. I smiled before my conscious reminded me he probably did the same thing with her. 

I ran our trail remembering the time he helped me lose the baby weight from Neil. Sitting on the bench I cried. I would have to move to a different state because this one held too many memories.

Sunday we went to his parents without him. Partly because I wanted to finish the exercise and partly because he was out of town. It didn't feel awkward but then again they had no idea we were in a rift.

"Elaina, will you come with me to my convention?" Mary asked as she handed Lucky his third cookie.

"Of course," I answered.

"Good because I can't stand going with Sally. All she wants to talk about is how much money her kids have. Like Nikolai and Katherine are well off but do you hear me bragging?"

I laughed.

"Then she makes Ginny and Mae feel bad because their children make way more than hers but they don't want to say anything because they don't want her to feel bad. It's all nonsense."

Lucky and the twins end up wanting to stay. So it was just me and Beth on the way home.

We snuggled up to each other as we watched The Jungle Book.

"I love you Momma." She said her big brown doe eyes shining with so much love and looking so much like Nikolai it melted my heart.

"I love you too, honey." I said kissing both of her cheeks.

*********************
The following Tuesday I was back on Charlotte's couch with Nikolai a few inches to my left.

We sat silently as I waited for her to start the conversation.

"Obviously something is on your mind. So tell me." She said crossing her legs and turning her attention to me.

"Why is the divorce up to me? Why can't he be the one to initiate it? Why am I the bad person? I have done nothing wrong. Yet when we get a divorce everyone will hate me for splitting up a happy home. Think of the kids, they'll say. What about all the years you two put in. Blah blah. Did you know I've known him my entire adult life! Don't they think I know how it will hurt our children! I know how it will hurt me! But I didn't cause the hurt! I'm not the reason for the pain! Yet I will be painted as the monster!" I was now crying and I hated it.

"Nikolai?"

He looked at me but I stared at the painting on the wall.

"I'm not initiating the divorce because I do not want it. It is selfish of me I know, but I love you Elaina. What I did can never be justified and I know that. All I can do is spend the rest of our lives making it up to you. I can't take back what I did but it meant nothing. She means nothing. I will do whatever it is you want me to do except leave. I believe we can work it out because I love you. You are the love of my life, my wife, and the mother to the only children I have. You're my soulmate and best friend. There's nothing for me in life without you." He picked my hand up and kissed it.

I folded my arms and looked at Charlotte.

*************************
"Mommy! Look!" Lucky yelled as he slid down the slide on our brand new playground in our backyard.

"I see Poppa!" I said excitedly.

Nikolai came and sat next to me.

"I'm going to retire as Fire Chief this December."

I looked at him in genuine surprise, but didn't reply.

"I'm doing it for you and Beth."

The lump formed in the back of my throat and I swallowed furiously to get rid of it. This was ridiculousness. I got up and went in the house locking myself in the bathroom. Where I cried silently.

**********************

Charlotte wrote on her notepad while I stared at the ceiling.

"Whenever you are ready Elaina."

I stared at the ceiling for what felt like hours. We only had seven more sessions. I was just going to show up and not say anything.

"I have all day. You can not leave a session without progress."

"Says who? There is nothing you can do to keep me here." I responded.

"Says Nell, Nyla, Elizabeth, and Neil."

I sat up and glared at her.

"They want their Mom to be happy. So, again whenever you are ready."

"What am I supposed to tell you today?" I asked lying back down.

"I asked you to try to name the hurt you're feeling."

"I just want to be angry, but all I feel is despair. Stupid, weak, sadness. For weeks. Nothing but this stupid sadness. This bullshit depression."

"Elaina, there is nothing wrong with sadness. It does not make you weak."

"Yeah yeah." I continued as I brushed her off. "I want to feel betrayed but I feel as if I betrayed him to make him stray. I didn't listen to him and I wasn't there for him when he was going through everything at the station. But I didn't think it would drive him into the arms of someone else. I'm scared to tell anyone because I don't want them to tell me how weak I am. I know I am. I just feel like yes it's entirely his fault but maybe a little mine too?"