APOLLO ✓

5.

21 May 2017
04:57

---

one for the books ;

Dear no one,

Well maybe someone.

I guess there are more people interested in this than I thought there'd be. I told you not to pity me but you still did. I guess it can't be helped. You also shared your pain, which was nice, I guess.

But back to our story, because this part is kind of pivotal to our dynamic. Especially the way I saw it.

It was the end of summer before sophomore year, a few days before school would start. I had just turned sixteen and picked up a really bad habit - the devil's dick.

That's what Starry Eyes called it. He was creative like that.

Starry Eyes' crush on Ravi ended because of his straight tendencies. I was admittedly happier, but he still didn't feel for me any more than he did before or anywhere close to what I felt for him.

Couldn't blame him though - I was still Narnia-deep in the closet.

We'd both been thriving in our separate lives but he was adamant that we not forget about each other. Honestly, I think that surprised a lot of people. In any other world or story, we'd be enemies. I was the jock and he was the theatre nerd. I was 'mysterious' and brooding while he had a flare for the dramatics.

Sometimes I wanted to forget about him. Maybe that's why I picked up smoking. It's affects didn't last long enough though, and so I kept going; before I knew, I was just doing it out of habit and not just to destress.

"I hate when you do that," he'd said.

"Do what?"

"Suck on devil's dick."

"Don't call it that," I said as I stubbed it out against the hood of my new car - my parents got me a black mustang for my birthday. Typical rich people style. Don't ask me much more about it, I'm not that into cars.

"Don't do that either!" He cried. He loved cars, especially this one. He sobbed when I brought the car round to his house the first time. And the two times after that. Silence fell heavy after his outburst. We were on a hill somewhere, nowhere. We'd decided to go on a bit of a road trip around town when we came across this place. We carved our names into some trees earlier that day, to commemorate our presence.

"I've never kissed a boy before."

"Where did that come from?" I leaned back into the car to try hide the sudden shock to my nerves.

"How do I do it?" I rolled my eyes.

"Not the best person to ask, but I'd assume the same way you kiss a girl."

Silence again. Silence, silence, silence.

"Golden Boy," he said softly, unusually so for him, "Will you kiss me?"

I choked. I choked and I choked and I choked. He wanted me to kiss him? My lips on his? And even as I thought this, it was like my brain refused to fully comprehend what he was asking of me.

"What?" I was dumbfound.

"It's just," he paused, "figuring out I'm bi has changed a lot of things for me. While most things, like my coming out, have gone surprisingly well, my first crush on a boy has been a major fail, because I'm pretty sure he's dealing with some internalised homophobia. I still have a lot of first ahead of me, more so with boys, since this is fairly recent. I know not all first will be perfect, but I just want my first kiss with a boy to be... special."

"And I'm the solution?" He nodded. I sat up and faced him. I don't know when I agreed, but then I was hesitantly moving closer to him, giving him time to change his mind. Everyday I reminded myself of my holy mission to not jeopardise our friendship with my feelings, yet there I was, tempting fate.

Our eyes stayed connected. When my curly black hair fell from where I'd pushed it back, touching Starry Eyes' forehead lightly, his breathe hitched. He smelled like cherries.

Does he really want this?

As our lips were about to touch, he said in a rushed whisper,

"Did you know, a kiss stimulates 29 muscles and chemicals that cause relaxation?" His breath was airy on my skin. He was tense. I went to pull away and he seemed to sense this. He wrapped his arms around my neck quickly and brought his lips to mine, slotting them in like they were meant to be there.

Explosions.

My heart was beating a mile a minute.

He pulled away all to soon, breathing shallower than before. I was certainly more relaxed. Maybe I was intoxicated by the smell of cherries. He'd always liked sweeter scents.

"Was that okay?"

He nodded, eyes still closed.

We leaned against the car wordlessly watching the sun set. For a moment I could pretend I didn't just completely doom myself.

I should have told him then, but I didn't.

- golden boy

---

a/n: