Atelophobia| Vent Book

Dear Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I guess I should start with 'Im sorry'. I hurt you. I hurt you and I didn't apologize. I told you 'it's over' and left you in your confusion. You might be wondering why, you might not. We were perfect together, at least, thats what you and everyone else said. We were best friends then lovers, god I hate that word... "Lovers" Saying you love them but you know you're gonna leave them. I met you last grade, you were new and we couldn't give less of a flying fuck about each other then. God, little did I know how much you would mean to me. We didn't even talk until we realized we were walking home in the same direction and live 5 minutes away from eachother. Even then, we were nothing more than friends. Right? Why couldn't it of stayed that way... We were perfect as friends, we were just close friends and that's all we needed to be. The type of friends who were shipped together but ignored it all. Why? Why did you have to fall in love with me? Why did it have to be YOU! Well, about 2 years later, it's halloween. You've been hiding something from me. God it was so obvious what it was now that I look back on it. And foolish little me.... I said that I would never get in another relationship. I said I would never break down my walls and let someone take root in my heart once more. Everytime I did it, it only ended up with me get hurt. Physically, emotionally, mentally, etc. But no, I HAD to develop feelings for them. Then you finally said it to me, you told me you loved me. It felt so painful. So awfully painful that it was numbing. But at the same time, I felt happy. For the first time in YEARS I felt truly happy. At least, I think it was real. Goddamnit me. GODDAMNIT. Now I liked him more. Did I like him? Or was it just me yearning for love, something so rare and alien to me. This relationship is going to crash and burn. I know it. Yet I didn't care. Those years of self preservation: erased. I told him I liked him back. Why did I say it. I should've turned him down. I should've never told him I liked him back. If I never told him, we wouldn't be where we are now. Distant and cold to eachother. You hate my guts and I don't blame you. But what if that still happened, what if I turned you down and you hated me anyway or awkwardness would separate us. Maybe this was bound to happen. Well a couple weeks later and we were officially dating. The relationship seemed perfect, I trusted you with my life. I opened up to you. Why did I open up to you?!!? I never open up to anyone! I'm such a FUCKING idiot... Now if I leave you or vice versa, it'll hurt so much more... Hah... Now that I look back on it... I was so fucking toxic. I was a shitty person, no, I AM a shitty person. I cried and cried and you were still there for me. I dumped all my problems on you and frustrated you so much. No matter how many times you told me you loved me, that I was beautiful, that I shouldn't hate myself, that I shouldn't starve myself, that I shouldn't kill or cut myself... I never listened. You must be been so frustrated knowing I was slowly killing myself and you couldn't save me no matter what you did. And here I am, doing all the above. You must be glad... I would be. God I treated you horribly, it was more of you saving me from myself. I'm so sorry.... I loved you yet I was so afraid that the past would only relapse. So afraid I was going to get abandoned again. I've lost count of how many times that's happened. By family, by friends, by boyfriends and girlfriends. Even through all this, you still loved me, you still tried to take care of me. I didn't deserve you. Maybe thats another reason I left you, I didn't fucking deserve you. It doesn't matter now anyways. Our relationship was going "fine" until I left you. It was so sudden and even I know it. I didn't even tell you myself, my friend did. She told you it was because I was actually a lesbian. The perfect alibi. Don't get me wrong, I AM les or bi or pan, I'm still questionable. I left you and gave no other reason. "Why I did I leave you" a question with too many answers.... You knew, no, you KNOW I hate myself more than anything in this painful existence we call life. So answer this: how was I supposed to love you if I can't love myself? Answer that for me! I just couldn't deal with it any longer either. Any relationship of been in was so abusive. So GODDAMN abusive. Getting abused physically, emotionally, mentally, sexually or all 4 at once. I WAS SO YOUNG. I AM SO YOUNG. My life just beginning and already I have been through too much to care, TO WANT to go on! And I told you all this. I told you almost everything I've gone through. Still, why did you expect me to stay? I even told you when we first made it official that I am a horrible person. That I will break your heart. But you said you didn't care... That you still loved me.... That the pain was worth it. Well... is it? Have you gotten over it yet? You act like you haven't! You won't even talk to me... I can't blame you. Practically a day after we broke up, I got with her. The her that I liked for a couple days anyways. But the main reason wasn't cuz I like her. It was so you'd let me go. I didn't want to hurt you any longer. I DON'T want to hurt you any longer. Yet here I am, contemplating if it could've been different. That we could still have been friends. I tried to repair what we had in a futile attempt. But I have up. Was it to save you? Or was it just for my pride... Like I have any left. I may have wanted you back at a time but... I trained myself. I trained myself to stop liking people at will. You will probably never read this anyways. And I'm glad.

I'm so very sorry, my dear Anonymous

~K