Atelophobia| Vent Book

I was the toxic ex

A lot of people talk about how their ex was toxic and problematic

Well, here's my story but I'm the toxic, problematic one

So, this guy liked me, A lot. And so I liked him so we started dating, simple right? Small story, EVERYONE shipped us, no joke.

Anyways, relationship goes well until I start opening up to him, the more I did it, the more deep the problems I talked about to him. I talked about how shitty my early life was (I might write a chapter on that, if you're interested) and then after I explained most of that, I started showing him "my true colors"

It was like unclipping a mask, a facade, of happiness, sarcasm, pride, self esteem, anything I used to make myself seem like the joyful, smart, perfect little girl I wish I could be and revealing a portion of myself to this person.

It started small, a couple self deprecating jokes here and there, I stopped smiling and laughing as often as I usually would. Something that wouldn't be noticeable by anyone but, apparently, him.

Every time I said something self deprecating, he would try to reassure me that I was perfect. And every time I stopped smiling or laughing or being happy in general, he's ask me what's wrong But i'd lie and say it was nothing and I'm just tired

But then I lowered the mask even more. The "jokes" were now more common and barely used any of my fake happiness. And when he asked, I was honest. I told him that I feigned my happiness and I was actually hurting, a lot.

After that, he started becoming worried about me, he wanted to help but what could he do? I just told him he was enough and I was just not feeling to well at that moment

I started putting the mask back on, smiling and laughing, always happy and making jokes. My emotions and smile never faltered. I seemed normal. I made sure he never saw that did did me again

I don't know when it happened, I don't even know how. It just happened and I didn't even realize it.

One day, I took the mask off completely. Just to him.

The "jokes" were now statements, I practically never smiled and when I did, they were small, weak, pathetic excuses of curving my lips upward. I started starving, not to lose weight, no, I just... starved. I barely ate, and if I had the choice, I wouldn't eat at all. And then my sleep patterns went haywire, i'd either not sleep for days on end or I wouldn't get up at all. Nobody noticed except for him.

Now, I've always had a weird body shape. Out of my class, I was what you considered "thiccer" than my classmates, but I always had the tiniest wrists, I can wrap each of my fingers around and touch the other, a tiny hip, and tiny feet and ankles. Yet, I was the second lightest out of everyone in my grade, weighing only 80 lbs and shorter than most, 4'2

But now that I almost stopped eating, my wrists were almost bony, and you could see my ribcage, I could wrap my fingers around my ankles and they'd touch, no to mention my hip had become bony and small. Nothing anyone noticed but him. The only reason he did was because when he hugged me, my ribcage was the first thing he touched, and if he picked me up, I was much lighter than usual. And I was honest with him, I told him I was starving myself and that I was becoming unhealthy.

So that's when he became really worried. And this is when I became very problematic and toxic.

No matter what he did, even when he begged for me to take care of myself, I never did. No matter what he told me, I wouldn't believe that I was good enough and I would still talk about how I was garbage.

I started becoming emotionally dependent on him. Relying on him for emotional support. He became a source of comfort, not a boyfriend.

Even then, I rubbed off on him. He started being self deprecating yet I did almost nothing except say that he was good, he was enough.

Not only that, I had become attached to the point where I had become paranoid and anxious that he would inevitably leave me and my abandonment issues just kicked in out of nowhere. So I became almost possessive.

There was this point in our relationship where, in school, he stopped talking to me at all. Just, ignored my very existence. But then out of school, he'd talk to me non stop. And I remember that my friend was carrying me piggyback style and she ran up to him and was like "SAY HI TO YOUR BF" So I just laughed and waved yelling "Hey *enter name*!" And he looked back, rolled his eyes mid way and kept talking to his friend. At this point, I was confused and worried if I he was alright but then another friend of mine ran up to him and started walking with him and he immediately smiled and started talking happily with her.

Like I said, at this point, my abandonment issues were at their peak and I became paranoid if I was getting replaced. But I shook it off as best as I could and kept talking with my friends.

Well, a couple weeks later, I just broke up with him.

Out of nowhere.

Because I had developed feelings for this other girl who was also my friend.

But I knew damn well he still had been in love with me.

Yet, I just left him.

The very next day, I got with the girl, he figured it out.

And in the same day, the girl kissed me on the lips, and he saw it.

Twice.

His friend told me I broke his heart.

Yet, I had acted cold and just said that he should've gotten over me.

And we never talked again.

So yea, this is my story on how I was toxic.

The reason why I was like this stems a lot deeper.

I'm a horrible person.