Atelophobia| Vent Book

I feel like dying

I just feel so fucking sad all the fucking time. I feel so fucking empty. I write funny and light hearted shite in an attempt to feel less horrible but I still do. It feels like I'm wearing a constant mask everyday to the public. I don't even know how to explain why or how I feel. Ive felt like this for almost all my life and it seems to get worse and worse each day now. It used to be just something at the back of my mind constantly it now it feels like it's consumed me and everything I do. I have barely any motivation and there's just no point in anything anymore. It hurts all the time to the point of numbness. I don't even know why I'm still here anymore... Was I worth creating? If there is a higher power than why was I made? What was my purpose? There's a void of complete and utter pain swallowing me whole and no matter what I do I can't escape it. I try to tell my friends but they don't even take it seriously. One of my closest friends literally remiss me in a daily basis saying shit like "You and your depressing self" "we get it, you wanna kill yourself." "Shut up, your so fucking depressing" "We get it, you were abused when you were younger, Jesus you make a fuss out of everything" like Christ almighty, I barely told anyone about what happened to me when I was younger.... would anybody really care if I left? They would forget about me in a day... Even then, when the RARE ASS occasion occurs when social anxiety dissipates and I voice how I feel all anybody says is "same" when I say I'm garbage, that I'm ugly, that I hate myself, I mean it. Please... Why cant you realize that these are cries for help? But even then, if somebody answered I'll only push them away... Maybe I am better off gone...