Stare longingly into the mirror
With heavy eyes
Pulled against your skin
Reflected backwards, Looking in
The frayed parts of my sculpture
My twisted teeth
It all comes hitting me
And I don't want to see
I'm bending against a pole
Under strain
Telling my brain
Who I am
If I bend much more
As I keep thinking pardoxically
Looking in and seeing someone
That my brain is controlling whoever it is
A face that I move
And the reflection moves with me
And as I keep thinking
Staring into these eyes I have
I'm bending harder on the pole
And if I think much more
It will bend backwards and collapse
And I won't know who I am
This identity isn't mine
And I'm always wondering and questioning
Does anyone else feel the same way
When it's this complicated
That it makes me think
My whole existence is going to collapse on me
There's a disconnect
Between my brain
The thinking machine
The piece of flesh in my head
That tells me to move and act and walk
And my identity
My soul, my spirit, my likes
Personality
Everything that makes me
Different from every other species member
And I can't get these two things to link
And I can't quite get the cable connected
Maybe the connection is stable
I'm just pulling on my wire
Overthinking about
How fucking weird it is
I'm being controlled
By my thought processor
But that's not me
I feel like I'm separated
Like I've been torn into two
Like an unbroken circuit
Because I fiddled with the wiring too much
And accidentally destroyed my entire existence
It's so confusing
To write down in words
What I feel
When I see myself
MYSELF
move my arms in the mirror
And know what I'm looking at is me
It seems impossible to understand
And we can never truly understand our own
Brains
About how I'm thinking
And I tell myself to move
But when my brain does that
It's not me
If I kicked really high
That's not me telling myself to do that
My brain is
The thought processor inside my head
I can never get the message across
the way I intend
I've said before
How frustrating it is
To communicate meaning
When emotions are so complex
You'd need a billion galaxies
Filled with communicable words
For true meaning to be conveyed
To see myself
I freak out
From the disconnect it bears
...
I can't say it any other way
...
My existence isn't mine...
