Stare longingly into the mirror
With heavy eyesPulled against your skin
Reflected backwards, Looking inThe frayed parts of my sculpture
My twisted teethIt all comes hitting me
And I don't want to seeI'm bending against a pole
Under strain
Telling my brain
Who I amIf I bend much more
As I keep thinking pardoxically
Looking in and seeing someone
That my brain is controlling whoever it isA face that I move
And the reflection moves with me
And as I keep thinking
Staring into these eyes I haveI'm bending harder on the pole
And if I think much more
It will bend backwards and collapse
And I won't know who I amThis identity isn't mine
And I'm always wondering and questioning
Does anyone else feel the same way
When it's this complicated
That it makes me think
My whole existence is going to collapse on meThere's a disconnect
Between my brain
The thinking machine
The piece of flesh in my head
That tells me to move and act and walkAnd my identity
My soul, my spirit, my likes
Personality
Everything that makes me
Different from every other species memberAnd I can't get these two things to link
And I can't quite get the cable connected
Maybe the connection is stable
I'm just pulling on my wire
Overthinking about
How fucking weird it isI'm being controlled
By my thought processor
But that's not meI feel like I'm separated
Like I've been torn into two
Like an unbroken circuit
Because I fiddled with the wiring too much
And accidentally destroyed my entire existenceIt's so confusing
To write down in words
What I feel
When I see myself
MYSELF
move my arms in the mirror
And know what I'm looking at is meIt seems impossible to understand
And we can never truly understand our own
BrainsAbout how I'm thinking
And I tell myself to move
But when my brain does that
It's not meIf I kicked really high
That's not me telling myself to do that
My brain is
The thought processor inside my headI can never get the message across
the way I intendI've said before
How frustrating it is
To communicate meaningWhen emotions are so complex
You'd need a billion galaxies
Filled with communicable words
For true meaning to be conveyedTo see myself
I freak out
From the disconnect it bears...
I can't say it any other way
...
My existence isn't mine...
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