The Guitar Player And Me

7 - Subdrop

I woke up early and disconnected from my cycler machine. Brian was already out of bed.

I found him in the kitchen, cutting up fruit for breakfast. He wrapped me up in a hug. "Morning love, how do you feel?"

"Not sure," I answered. "Do you know how many carbs are in that bowl of fruit?"

"Sit down and eat. You need the carbs today."

"All I need is a Diet Pepsi"

"No. You are off that stuff. It is so bad for you."

"What the fuck? And your coffee is okay?"

"One then. No more. Choose wisely when to have it."

"I'll take my chances and have it for breakfast," I said, opening the can.

"And food." He was determined.

"Fuck. Okay." I reluctantly sat down and picked up a strawberry.

"Lovely language, Marissa. Not feeling well?"

"I don't know. I feel like something is wrong. I just feel, sad? empty? I can't explain it. I just don't feel right."

"Subdrop. I'll explain while you eat."

I picked out another strawberry and put it in my mouth.

"Remember the endorphins? How they made you feel so good?"

I nodded.

"Sometimes it doesn't feel so good when your body is returning to normal. You were flooded with brain chemicals last night. They wear off."

"You could have told me that last night, warned me."

"You were completely out of it last night."

"Well, what do I do now?" I was being a bitch and I knew it.

"Anything you want to do." He pointed at my plate, silently telling me to eat.

"I want to not feel like this." I could feel myself starting to cry, and I was determined not to. "You should have warned me."

"This doesn't always happen. I wasn't planning on going so far. I made a mistake and let you go too far before I pulled you back. It's completely my fault and you have every right to be angry with me."

"I'm not angry," I sighed. "I want to be, but I'm not. It's just," I paused to get control of my voice. "I never felt anything like I did last night. And now it's gone, and I don't know how to feel good again, and you're leaving tonight, and I'm just all sorts of fucked up."

"No, love, you're not fucked up. What you feel is perfectly normal. We just have to find what helps you feel better."

I sniffed and wiped my face.

"Do you have any
chocolate?"

"What?" I giggled, not quite understanding what he was asking.

"You heard me. Chocolate."

"You want chocolate?" I was confused.

"It has chemicals in it," he paused, "you know what, just eat some. You'll feel better."

"And I thought it only helped with dementors," I teased, then added "freezer. Ice cream cups. In back in the bag that says peas."

"Clever girl." He rummaged in the freezer. "Death by chocolate," he read the container, "dark chocolate with chocolate swirl, fudge brownie pieces and chocolate chunks." He handed me a cup.

"Spoon?" He grinned. "Or do you want to just lick it out of the bowl like the cat you were last night?"

"Cats can't have chocolate. Spoon please." I held out my hand. "Ice cream and Diet Pepsi. Breakfast of champions." I tried to keep a straight face, but failed, and both of us started to laugh.

"Peas?" He asked, "you live alone. Who are you hiding it from?"

"Myself. If I don't see it, I forget it's there. Until I really want it."

"Good plan."

"Thank you," I said, licking spilled chocolate off my hand.

"There's the cat thing again. You should let me get it next time you spill it on yourself."

"Mmmm"

"She purrs too," he said, brushing his fingers in my hair.

"I have an idea," he said. "Let's have today be a 'take care of Marissa' day."

I just looked at him.

"I'm serious. Whatever you want to do." He smiled at me. "Let me go make a few calls and then I am all yours."

Well, that sounded like fun. But so did finishing my ice cream. I brought it and my drink into the living room and set everything on the table. My ice cream was making me cold, so I snuggled under my favorite Hello Kitty blanket.

"Okay, love, I'm all yours now," Brian walked into the living room and stopped. "You are seriously adorable. Hello Kitty?"

"What?" I was prepared to defend Hello Kitty at all costs. "It's warm. And soft. And cute."

"And it matches the other Hello Kitty things in your room?"

"Yeah that too." I said quietly. Then changed my tone, "wait a minute. I thought it was 'take care of Marissa' day, not 'mock Marissa day.'"

"It is, love. I just find you too adorable."

I rolled my eyes at him.

He stood next to me and touched my face. "You have no idea, do you?"

"What?" I was confused.

"What you do to me. You are adorable and sweet and kind, and I want to protect and take care of you, and then wreck and ruin you."

I held my breath. I couldn't believe he was saying this. "Brian, I don't-"

"Don't say anything. The sounds you made for me last night. The look on your face when you said my name. I want you, Marissa. Not just today. I know, it's too soon, but I don't care. I want you to be mine. Now, at least for today, tell me you'll let me take care of you."

I didn't know what to say. He had me shivering again. "Today?" I asked.

"Today."

"I can't think any further ahead than today."

"I won't ask you to."

"Okay," I agreed. "Today."