Buried Alive By Love

1. You Have Demons Within

Everything was spinning. The white ceiling was moving fast, I closed my eyes but it kept spinning. I couldn't lift from the bed, I felt like some demon was pulling me back to bed, but I knew what would help me. I reached the night stand and grabbed a bottle, without even looking at it.

I smelled it, it was some cheap wine. "Will do." I drank it, it tasted like vinegar, but the alcohol was still there. It was enough to wake me up, after a while.

Something was buzzing, how much I fucking hate cellphones. "What?"

"Ville, where are you? We are waiting for you at the studio."

"Oh, fuck. I'm coming, Mige. Just wait a bit. I can't get up."

"What do you mean?"

"My head is spinning. Just wait and I'll be there."

"Fine." Mige sighed and I knew he was disappointed at me. But I was getting used in disappointing people anyway.

It took me a while to get up. The alcohol was already making me feel better. It was like an anesthesia, it helped me keep going to do whatever I had to, and today I had to record that shitty and depressed album, one more day. My clothes were all smelly, my hair was a grotesque, almost living thing. I tucked it inside a beanie and I was good to go. I called a taxi and I realized I forgot my wallet when I arrived at the studio. "Damn. Just a second, please."

I went inside and Seppo was already giving me a hard look. "Could you pay the cab outside? Forgot my wallet. Please. I'm sorry." He didn't say anything, just passed by me. Another disappointed person to my list.

The producer, Martin, was the only one who smiled to see me. Mige, Burton and Linde were with their arms crossed, Gas was behind his drums distracted with his paradiddles.

"How are you, Ville?" Martin asked.

"I'm alive." I shrugged. "So, shall we?"

"Sure. When you're ready. Wanna warm up your vocals first, right? Why don't we try The Kiss of Dawn?"

I nodded. I put on my headphones and went inside the studio. I waved to the guys, they just looked and nodded discreetly. Ouch, I guess they were all pissed off.

And I sounded like shit. My low voice was shaky, and my higher notes were lousy. "Sorry. Can we start again?"

We started again five times, until Mige lost his patience. "Oh, for fuck's sake, V. Can't you concentrate a bit?"

I flinched when he screamed. He looked at me and I felt like a worthless person, I didn't see a reason to be there. "Sorry. I'll do my best. Just a sec." I took a deep breath, I was dizzy from the cheap wine but I was more sober than drunk already. I made a sign and they started again. It was better than the other ten times, but it didn't mean it was good.

We played other songs, and we made a pause. "You okay?" Burton lit up my cigarette for me and I nodded. "Yeah, same old, pal." Burton pat on my shoulder, and I went after Mige, he was in the kitchen.

I got nearer him, and for the first time in my life I didn't know what to say to him. Since I've met him, we never had this kind of situation between us. He turned to me while drinking his coffee. He grabbed another cup and gave it to me, I smiled at his gentleness. "Thanks, buddy."

"You smell of alcohol. And other things I'd rather not say."

I chuckled. "Sorry, I wanted to come fastest I could. Mige, look, I'm really sorry. I don't know what's happening."

"Oh, I know. Let me enlight you. You're drinking too fucking much. Too much, V!"

"It's just... It's not much, but it's constantly, I know. It's just to help me keep going."