Tales of an Unremarkable Girl

The becoming of an Atheist

I live in a small town, one that probably many people have never heard of. When I was younger I used to go to church every Sunday with my grandparents, I attended a bible camp during the days in the summer for several years, I had bible discussions with my mother where we debate what a passage means and share how we interpreted it.

The older I got and the more I realized that I was bisexual, the less I felt accepted in church. I would sit and listen to the preacher telling me once again that I was a sinner. That people like me were going to burn in hell.

I would sit and listen to these people say how my generation was ruining things, that my generation had no respect. That we didn't listen.

I tried going to other churches in my town and I was met with more of the same. If I attended alone, I was given dirty looks because, of course, a young teen in a church was nothing but trouble.

I was no longer blind to the world and I realized that while my mother calls herself a Christian, she does not practice what she preaches. She judges and cuts down others in the name of God and still believes that she is a good person.

She treats her own mother like crap and expects us to have respect for her because the bible says honor thy mother and father.

I no longer felt accepted in my own house or the church so I stopped going. I stopped discussing these things with my mother.  I started exploring on my own, I started searching for my own answers to these questions I had.

I started looking at other religions and several questions often came to mind:

If God exists, what about them?

What about the other religions?

Did that mean that they were wrong?

What if we were the ones who were wrong?

To me, God was not a person. He was not this all-knowing being. He was the sense of community, of people coming together for a joint cause. It was the love and acceptance of others.

My belief had been shaken, my doubt had been growing steadily but I couldn't admit what it meant. I couldn't admit that I no longer believed in a God who could not accept me, I no longer wanted to be a part of a community that couldn't see me as a person.

I could no longer believe in a woman who couldn't even remember her own lies.

I was and am tired of religion. I'm tired of the walls and the division. I'm tired of horrible people who think worshipping God will save them. I'm tired of being told that I am wrong.

That I am a sinner.

I am tired of putting all my hopes and dreams in someone who isn't even there to hold them.

I am tired of all these double standards, all these rules that people pick and choose, all these exclusions.

I'd rather spend my Sundays doing something that means something to me anyways.

I'd rather be called an Atheist than sit and listen to them call me anything else.

I'd rather be called an Atheist than pretend to be okay with people disrepcting me and what I stand for.

I am not here to change anyone's mind.

I am not here to convince you that God doesn't exist.

I ask you to do the same for me.

If you try to convince me otherwise, you will find that I am just as unshakable in my belief as you are.

I am simply existing as I am.

Atheist and unashamed.