Tales of an Unremarkable Girl

Dismissed

When I came out at sixteen, it was only to my mother and I had struggled to get the words out, to find the words to tell her that her daughter wasn't as straight as she thought she was.

She didn't know what pansexual or genderfluid meant so I did my best to explain it in words that she could understand. I thought this weight would be lifted from my shoulders, that I would feel free but it didn't happen.

I felt more trapped than ever, more uncomfortable that she knew. I felt exposed and vulnerable with her knowing the truth. I felt naked in the worst way.

Even so, when I learned that she didn't remember any of it...it still hurt. I felt dismissed, I felt hurt. I don't think she understood how hard it was for me to come out to her, how much it scared me once the words were out in the open. How afraid I was of how she would react since I grew up with her casual homophobia.

Though, I admit, part of me was relieved that she didn't remember. I felt safe once again with my secret under wraps, comfortable in my own skin. I always told myself that I would come out again when the time was right, that I would be honest with her and the rest of my family when I felt comfortable.

But as the years passed, I realized that that time would never come. I never became more comfortable with them knowing and the right time never came. I had no problem telling other people I met, no problem telling my friends the truth.

It was them that made me understand that I didn't need to come out to them if I didn't want to. That it was my choice. It was my decision. That coming out wasn't something that was necessary, that it was not something I had to do to be a part of the community.

It's been three years and my parents still don't know. I no longer feel the need to come out to them, I no longer feel bad about it either.

I am not ashamed of myself, I am not ashamed of that part of me.

This is who I am.

It will always be who I am even if they don't know it.

Maybe one day in the future, I might come out to them.

Maybe I won't.

But that's okay. I am okay with it. I am comfortable and unashamed of myself and that is all that truly matters.