Why?
That's the question I keep asking myself.
Why?
Why do I have butterflies in my stomach whenever I'm around Kevin? Why do I keep crying in the bathroom about my past issues? Why do crawl into my bed and think about the mistakes I've made throughout my life? Why do I put a smile on my face when I go to school when there's no reason to put it on? Why do I think about things so deeply? Why am I even writing this?
It's hard having to deal with all this drama and stress and thinking about the consequences. Why do I even have feelings for Kevin? I just don't understand. The only thing I know that I want is happiness. I just want to be truly happy. To be truly happy, I want to have someone to love... and for that someone to love me back. Is that too much to ask for? If yes, will I ever have someone to love?
Love is complicated.
I know that. But, why does it seem like its not that complicated? Ugh. Just why? I see all those couples out there all happy and smiling. Why can't I have that? The thought being lonely for the rest of my life always seems to roam around my mind. I know I sound desperate, but I honestly don't know. Am I? Or am I asking too many questions? It just feels as if I was a bird trapped in a cage for the rest of my life, not being able to fly again. This while seeing the other birds soaring through the skies. Its like torture, but more emotional. I'm not selfish, I just feel like I'm missing something. That something is someone.
"Lips meet teeth and tongue.
My heart skips eight beats at once.
If we were meant to be, we would've been by now.
See what you wanna see, but all I see is him right now."
That's from "Watch" by Billie Eilish. Yeah, I know. I've been listening to her songs more than ever. I guess she sort of relates to me. Its true though, all I see is him right now. Anyways, I think its just the teenage hormones talking or whatever. I think it'll all go away sooner or later. But... he just seems so perfect. Still, he doesn't share the same feelings for me.
Why?
Why am I so into him?
It was during lunch when me, Andy, Aylyn, Mayra, and Sandy decided to go play in school yard. Kevin didn't want to go with us since he wasn't in the mood, so we agreed that we could talk about the "tea" outside.
I got my backpack and started walking towards the exit when Mayra and Sandy attempted to scare me (it didn't work, by the way) while Aylyn was close by. "Yeah, that did not work," I replied solemnly. Sandy and Mayra groaned. We walked towards the entrance to the yard when Sandy smirked and blurted out, "you wanted Kevin to come with us, didn't you?"
Not this again.
I paused in my steps and turned around to look at her, Mayra and Aylyn started giggling. "Umm... no," I stuttered. Mayra saw how uncomfortable I was and added, "no. We saw how you acted when Kevin said 'I don't wanna go today'." I laughed nervously as Aylyn continued the conversation, "mmmhmm, right. We all know that you wanted him to come." I just gave up after that. "Okay, fine. I did want him to come." I confirmed, feeling my cheeks go hot. They started laughing at me once we walked through the yard's entrance.
As I put my backpack and lunch bag down on the floor, Sandy went up to me and whispered, "there's the girl that Kevin likes."
At that moment, it felt like time slowed down.
If I had been carrying my backpack and lunch bag I would've dropped it, not caring if they got dirty. It literally felt like my heart had been shattered into tiny pieces; something similar to a china plate being smashed onto a wall with full force. If I was standing on the roof of the Empire State building, I would've jumped off by then. I would say the same for jumping off an airplane that would be flying 20,000 feet above sea level. Or something that's less dangerous, like purposely tripping on three flights of stairs (I had a dream about that once).
Actually, I wouldn't even have the guts to do all that stuff.
