"Long nights, I get sad that you're gone.
But I'm still smiling with the sun.
I knew your bullets wouldn't stop."
I sing this now but I wish I heard this sooner because there were a lot of tough obstacles I faced whilst trying to keep the secret. This song literally makes me feel better instantly, blurring the depressing reality I have to face. "Bullets" by Wild Child, a song that releases me from my cage and urges me to fly with the other birds in the sky.
It reminds me to keep going, even when I feel like stopping.
But, you have to learn how to stop sometimes. Even when you think you're doing well, there's always a time you have to bail. I felt like bailing on Kevin after I heard that he liked Michelle. It was a tough decision to make and I wanted to make it a little later. I was looking forward to see if he liked me back; I didn't want to crush my own dreams.
*Laughs* Heh. "Crush" my own dreams. Get it? Oh, just keep reading...
Anyways, on a typical Thursday school day I decided to get some advice.
I had two periods of E.L.A. on Thursday mornings.
Ugh. E.L.A..
It was the most boring period of school. Usually, E.L.A in my previous classes wasn't all that boring unlike the class I took in seventh grade. I always felt so sleepy whenever I started writing in the printed books that were assigned to us in the beginning of the year. But recently, I started focusing on something other than the end of class. That something was Kevin. It was starting to get obvious that I had feelings for him. Though, everybody was too busy dealing with their own drama to even notice. Except for Ariana.
We had two Arianas in our seventh grade class. In my opinion, there was the sassy, carefree Ariana and the funny, curious Ariana.
Ariana A., the funny one, had sat next to me in E.L.A. after Aylyn had switched seats with her. We always came up with cringey jokes and made fun of the latest memes. Other times we would talk about crazy dreams we each had the night before or upcoming projects for school. I'd always joke about how she reminded me of an alien when she put her hoodie up, since she'd always wear a high bun with her fuzzy hair. Ariana and I even came up with a backstory for her alien "identity".
Though, there were other times where we talked about serious topics. Like what happened in the news, important school events, and my favorite... crushes. I guessed that I could've trusted her since we've been talking to each other for a while. So I told her my secret, or what was left of my secret.
I finished answering the questions in the pages that we were assigned to write in when I started to get bored. Ariana was still answering the last few questions when I blurted out, "so... do you have anyone you have a crush on?" She turned to me with her eyes wide open, trying to make me laugh... and it did work. We both started laughing and she answered, "no why?" I chuckled nervously at her question and looked around to see if anyone was paying attention to our conversation. Thank God nobody was.
"I-umm... I think I have a crush on someone."
She literally made a troll face right after she heard what I said which, again, made me burst into laughter. As my laughter died down, she replied, "wow, Raima. I didn't think you'd like anyone." "Me neither," I added as I adjusted my chair to face her. "So who is it anyway?" She asked. I thought for a moment:
Let's see if she can guess.
"Guess," I answered. She giggled and looked around and asked again, "is it a person in our class?" I nodded. She thought for a while, "hmmm..."
"Is it Billy?"
"No."
"Is it Madison?"
"Ew, no."
"Is it Neryk?"
"No, of course not."
"Is it Jayden?"
"What the hell, Ariana?!"
"Well then who is it?"
"I told you, guess. It's someone who I always bring up."
She looked around and turned back to me, I immediately assumed that she had light in her bulb. I smiled awkwardly, "Do you know?" Ariana grinned sheepishly and nodded,"is it Kevin?" I felt my cheeks grow hot again. "Yeah, it's him," I confirmed, still blushing. I could've sworn that she was saying "ooooohhhhh" in her head right then. She gasped, still grinning.
"I knew it!"
"Wait, what?"
I was really confused. How'd she know? I asked her, "how'd you know I like him?" She replied, "well who else would he like? He's always talking to you and he barely ever speaks in class." Right there and right then Ariana made my day. I was always thinking of the negative things in my friendship with Kevin.
He's just your friend, Raima. Get over it. He'll never like you back. He's just out of your league. He's never going to like some dumbass Bengali who doesn't even know how to start a conversation.
But I never ever thought of the positive things. What happened if he did like me back? Would we stay together? But my religion would get in the way...
There we go again... stop thinking of the negative side of things, Raima.
"You really think so?" I asked, touched that Ariana believed that. "Well, yeah! You guys both seem to have a nice relationship. And you two both have similar interests," she added. Hearing that made me realize that we did have a lot of things in common: we both loved to play Roblox, we both listened to Billie Eilish, we were both introverts, we both loved our free time, we both weren't so social, we both were cringey, and we both were extremely awkward.
Well... in my eyes, I felt like he was the perfect one for me. I wished he was, though. Wishing for something doesn't really mean you'll get it. In this case, he was just another boy in my list of crushes. And yes, I've been in this situation before. My heart's been abused numerous times and I know it can't take it anymore. What should I do now? Do I just keep hoping?
Honestly, I don't know anymore.
"I-I still don't think he likes me back," I stuttered. She raised an eyebrow, "of course he does. And if he doesn't then... just keep being you." I smiled when she finished her sentence. Ariana went back to answering the questions in her book while I crossed my arms and leaned on my chair.
It's gonna be a long month, Raima.
