Alone Without Loneliness

Finding Out The Word For It

   The summer of 8th grade my friend from the bus and the guy I dated made a groupchat where we sent each other quizzes.

    One day during June (which I later learned was pride month) my friend sent a Lgbt+ quiz to the groupchat. We then called so we could talk about our results. I thought it was a joke so I went along with it even though I was "straight"

    One of the questions was "do you want sex" and without even questioning I said NOOOOOO!

    When the results came up I saw the word "Asexual" with one of the prettiest flags I've ever seen. I, however, still thought this was a joke quiz and waited for them to finish.

     When they finished they said they both got straight and I was shocked!

     I thought it was a joke quiz and it was impossible to get straight

    My brain was reeling at the possibility when they asked what answer I got...

    I nervously sent the picture and they said "Lol that actually sounds like you even though you're straight"

   And I kept my mouth shut so my insecurities about my sexuality wouldn't be shown and just said "HaHa yep"

    I avoided research for a very long time.

   When I finally did research a feeling of joy welled up inside me

   I was not weird or broken

   There is an explanation for the way I am

   I instantly became obsessed with the topic of sexuality. I didn't know my romantic orientation but I didn't care, I was happy with just a sexuality.

    I went from vaguely knowing what bisexual meant to knowing basically all the sexualities and gender identities.

    It was so freeing seeing how one experience doesn't fit all and that I didn't need the "white-picket fence" life.

   I watched so many lgbt+ videos and I remember slowly noticing the lack of asexuality in a lot of them

  And that's when I learned about the discourse

  I imagined going to pride in a pretty gray sweater with a tie-dye skirt and a purple pride heart. I loved the idea of pride and seeing so many people proud of themselves

   But exclusionist don't see it that way

   They saw me as basically straight

   One day I saw a comment about an Asexual channel called AmeliaAce and I immediately marathoned her videos.

   I instantly knew so much about my own identity and felt more confident in it!

   But I realized I didn't know one thing.....

   My romantic orientation!

   Goodness it took forever to figure that out!

    At first I was like obviously Heteroromantic but that didn't seem to fit for some reason so I kept searching.

   But my mind kept wondering to Aromantic

   "NO!", I would think, "I have to have romantic attraction, I love everyone!!!"

    My mind wonder to Biromantic since I maybe had a crush on my (girl) best friend..

   And then I discovered the word "Squish"

    And everything suddenly made sense! It was like the feeling of finding the word Asexual all over again!

    So to myself I proudly came out

    As AROMANTIC ASEXUAL

    And oh my goodness how happy and proud I was