Alone Without Loneliness

Dealing With Being Aro/Ace

  9th grade came around and I was fully comfortable with my label by then.

  I knew that just because someone liked me, I didn't have to get in a relationship with them and that made me feel powerful and... awesome..?

I was thankful that nobody would probably have a crush on me since I was undesirable and I wouldn't have to be a heartbreaker

  But I was very wrong....

  One of my guy friends was suffering through bouts of depressive episodes so naturally my empathetic self was there for him

   Everyone told me he just wanted attention and was using me for my empathy.

    But I can never stay away from someone who's hurting.

    He got into a relationship (which I had a bad feeling about) and got really happy.

   I knew that he shouldn't devote all his happiness to the relationship but he did anyway

   When they broke up he crashed and burned HARD

    Nothing I said could help him
  
    He felt hopeless

    Suddenly he started being happier again and talking to me more. He kept hinting about a girl he likes and it made me nervous that he meant me....

    And he did.... he asked me out and I felt awful..

    Why couldn't I just like him and help him through his depression?

    Why did I have to be this way?

     He asked me if I just wanted to be friends and I said yes

     Thankfully he was alright with that and we continued our friendship!

     By then one of my friend groups knew I was Aro/Ace because, I nervously told one of them at lunch; and they had all guessed it by the way I react to relationships.

    Later, I decided to go to my friend's quinceañera to support her despite hating parties.

    My friend (not the one who the quince was for)started heavily crushing on this guy so Me and F (Quince girl) decided to set them up.

    The more the night went on, I had this horrible feeling he had fallen for me instead. I hoped I was wrong...

    F had me slowdance with him until he got passed along to the crushing girl and while we danced, he looked so happy and held me tight.

   When he danced with the crushing girl, he awkwardly held her as if nervous to get too close.

   I felt awful... this wasn't how it was supposed to go

   Later, he had to go up and dance with F and he confessed to me about his anxiety disorder. I, with  anxiousness myself, asked if he wanted to dance with me so he could calm down. He said yes and we slowdanced for like a hour with him occasionally pulling me closer.

    Afterwords he went over to F and I stayed with the crushing girl. When F came back running and grabbed me to a private area.

    She told me he had confessed he had a crush on me... and I felt awful like the worst friend ever.

    She gave him my number without me knowing and he texted me immediately...

    He didn't text the crushing girl until I asked him too.

     A month-ish later he asked me out....

     And I told him I wasn't ready for that...

     He asked when I would be....

     And I, while crying, texted him saying I wasn't sure I would ever be and it wasn't fair for him to have to wait....

   And he stopped texting me and I lost a friend I really cared about

    The crushing girl called me and told me, he was heartbroken and the money he saved up to date me went for some weed instead...

    In that moment I knew I had hurt someone I truly cared about

    I knew I would have to be a heartbreaker the rest of my life

    And I knew that even though hurting and upsetting others was my  worst fear ...

    I had done it and would probably have to do it again!

    I was a monster