The next day, I got lucky. Queen Gertrude told me I could have a day to myself. I thought, she must have seen me with Claudius, but I would take it. I put on a simple dress and grabbed a basket. I left the castle behind with a sigh of relief. The roads didn't have a pleasant smell, but the air was open, and it moved, unlike the stagnant air of the castle. It wasn't stuffy, and I could just walk around without someone questioning what I was doing. It was like heaven.
I headed down to the village, smiling. I talked to the villagers, and they were happy to tell me about their monotonous days. I was envious of them, and they felt the same toward me. Irony.
I bought fruit from a vendor and sat under a tree to eat and people watch. It was nice to be doing something that I had chosen, rather than the endless days that were planned for me. It was amazing to me, that no one ever seemed happy with their lives. We were always jealous of other people for what they had, like me and the villagers. As I watched people go by, I realized just how lucky I really was.
I had a miracle. Here I was, a twenty first century girl in the fifteenth century, something that, by all accounts, should have been impossible. And I was not appreciating the miracle of it as I should have. Right now I was living in a palace, something six year old me would have given any of her internal organs to be able to do. And yes, it was in no way, shape or form perfect, but no life was. I was trying to save lives, and I was doing it in the middle of a fictional story. It was simple amazing.
I took breaths of the fresh, if smelly, air, and let myself relax. If I failed, so what? It wouldn't change anything. Everything felt real, but when I went back home, wouldn't that feel real as well? Stressing out about it all like I had been wasn't going to help me, or Hamlet, Horatio or Ophelia.
And that lead me to why I was so upset. Horatio. I had fallen in love with him when I knew it would never work. Not when one day, I would just disappear from his life. I couldn't take him with me, and he was the only reason I really wanted to stay. Well, Ophelia was probably the best friend I could have here, but I did have a life back home, if it hadn't kept on going while I was gone. I hoped not, because I would probably get kicked out of school, or worse. But now was definitely not the time to worry about that. It wasn't the time to worry about anything I couldn't control.
For that one day, I refused to think about Claudius, or the coming death of King Hamlet. I let myself relax, and breathe without a corset. Tomorrow would be a different story, but for now... I was okay.
Of course, when I went back, stress just got piled back on. But when things got bad over the next few months, I forced myself to remember the feelings of that day.
I didn't hear from or see Claudius up close for the next several days, and it began to worry me. What if I had pushed him too far? What if he was ready to throw me aside? In a way, it would be a relief. Maybe if he just forgot about me, he wouldn't feel the need to harm me. But it would also remove the distraction from his plots that I had been providing, so I had to come up with something, a last ditch effort to bring him back to me. And once again, I could only think of one option.
Claudius cared only about his own gratification, then I would gratify him, no matter how much is sickened me. So I wrote him a note and gave it to his serving man. That night, I snuck out of the castle. I didn't tell Ophelia what it was that I was planning. I didn't want her to know. If things went wrong, if Claudius killed me, I didn't want her to have to tell Horatio what I had done.
At a quarter to midnight, I went to the gardens, and looked up at the moon, hoping it would help me calm down. It didn't, but I remembered what I had told myself. "Courage," I whispered to myself, entering the maze that took up much of the gardens. It took a few minutes, but eventually I emerged in the center. I could only hope that Claudius would come. If he didn't, that would mean it was all over, and I would have to find another way to stop him. I would have to find out if I could stand to blacken my soul.
I ran my fingers through the water of the fountain. A few minutes later, I felt, rather than saw Claudius come into the clearing. I waited for him to speak, so as to make him feel like he had all of the power. That was key, that he would have the power until I took it, but just at the right moment. If I was too quick, he might push me away, or worse.
"I heard you went out of the castle a few days ago," he said. It seemed like an odd conversation to have, but he was in control.
"Yes, I did. Queen Gertrude didn't need me, and I needed some fresh air. It was nice. I talked to people, and picked flowers."
I heard the crunch of the ground underneath his feet as he got closer. Good, at least he was somewhat intrigued as to what I wanted.
"Why?" he asked. I didn't turn to face him. He had to want me again, or I would be in some big trouble. Plus, the full moon gave plenty of light, and I didn't want him to see that I was shaking. I wanted him to think he had the power, but I did not want him to know I was scared. He would relish in that fact, and it would just make what I had to do that much harder.
"The castle is stuffy, sometimes. And the people in the village are very nice," I replied quietly.
"It's dangerous for a woman alone. Like I said, someone could take advantage of an innocent young woman, and then you would be unmarriageable to anyone worth marrying. "Oh, so someone from the village wanted to rape me, and so did someone with supposed 'noble' blood. Apparently there wasn't any difference between the two classes when it came to lust. Lust was what I was counting on with the king's brother. I was almost sure of its importance to him, and it would get me what I needed.
"Of course, my lord. Perhaps you could come with me next time. I brought you some flowers." I turned, holding out my bouquet. Finally I could use the skills my mother gave me. She was a florist, and new all of the meanings of all the different flowers.
"This is a morning glory. It means, I belong to thee." I murmured, pointing to one of the flowers. "Yellow lilies, they symbolize a flirtation. And snapdragons, they symbolize gracious lady." Yes, and snapdragons also mean deception. Not that he would know that. I held the entire bouquet out, holding my breath. Would he even accept my gift?
He watched me for several very long seconds before taking the flowers. "I'm glad you've accepted that you belong to me," he murmured, setting them aside to step closer to me. He probably wanted to be able to grab me if it came to that. If I angered him again. The bruises on either side of my waist still hurt.
"Of course I do, my lord," I said quietly. It was time to give him what he wanted. At least some of it. Enough to make sure that he wasn't going to abandon the chase. But was it even a chase anymore? I told him I belonged to him, but there was another step, something that I was not willing to give, unless it came down to a choice between the ultimate act of giving, or killing Claudius. I couldn't even imagine myself doing it. Not if my father had been here before me and hadn't been willing to do. He must have thought of doing it, if he had tried to save the story of Hamlet, and yet, he had never done it. There would be no more conflict if Claudius was dead.
But not yet. I wouldn't even put it on the table yet.
"Why did you ask me here?" Claudius asked, his voice low. Well, here it went.
I took a deep breath, watching him very carefully. His eyes weren't icy, he at least wasn't angry, but was that good enough? I guess it would have to be. My hand cupped his neck and I pulled him down to meet me, my lips pressing to his.
