Don't Wake Me Up - Shawn Mendes

PART EIGHTEEN

         I get up and get dressed, and say bye to Shawn, as I have an appointment for a touch up on my tattoo.

"I can come with if you'd like!" Shawn tells me.

"Oh no worries, I don't need you to come, I've gotten all of my tattoos by myself anyway."

"Okay, so you don't want me to come with you?" Shawn asks, a bit pointed.

"Uhm... Why do I feel like you're mad right now?"

"Because, Alice, you always insist on doing things on your own, and it's like you don't want to spend time with me."

"Whoa! I just don't need someone to hold my hand through every little thing! Jeez," I reply back, absolutely stunned.

"I'm not saying you need anyone," Shawn explains, "I'm saying you might want me, your boyfriend, to come with you to things like that. So we can spend time together?"

"Spend time toget-? Okay, well I have to go now, you know I hate being late. I'd invite you, but I don't think it's the best idea right now. I'll call you later," I say, as I slam the door behind me.

What was all that about? Since when do we have to do everything together? I think I made it quite clear from the beginning that I was an independent person. I've had to be by myself for decades now, and I've learned to know who I am. I've learned to rely on no one but myself. I've also learned to enjoy my own company. And I don't see how that's a bad thing! If anything, more girls should stop trying to impress others and figure out who they want to be. Ugh, but I hate how we left things. And yet, I really don't see how I acted badly?

Shawn's POV

Fuck! Why did I have to bring it up like this? But then again, it wasn't the first time I suggested to come with Alice to an appointment, and she always declined. Does she not want to spend time with me? I understand that she's independent and needs her 'me-time', but why isn't she comfortable around me as well? Is she ever gonna use that key I just gave her? Is she ever gonna let me know how she feels, or what she thinks about things in her life? I just don't know what to do. I had to say something. I'm supposed to be her person, the one she shares everything with. So why doesn't she? I thought she was as invested in this as I was... I guess I'll wait for her call, then. Explain how I feel.

Your POV

The touch up goes well, and I leave the tattoo place to go back home. Then, wanting to grab my phone in my pocket, my fingers touch the cold metal of the key Shawn gave me. I had a bit of time to think back on what he told me earlier, and I choose to head to his place instead.

I get there, and I use the key to get to the building, but I still knock on Shawn's apartment door. He opens and lets me in.

"I'm sorry Shawn. I've just- This is the first time I'm in a serious relationship, and I'm not used to that. I've never gotten a person who wants to do the most random things with me, and I've learned how not to need them. And if that's a bad thing..." I start talking. I mean, I did come here to settle this.

"No, it's not a bad thing! But without needing someone, you can still appreciate and want someone to be there. With you," Shawn calmly explains.

"Sure! But those feel so connected to me! Why bother you with a stupid grocery list or a doctor's appointment!" The argument gets a bit more heated.

"Ugh! Alice! It's not a bother! I like you! I want to spend time with you! More than that, I want to be there for you! You have this cool, confident vibe to you, but-"

I cut him off:

"Which you said you liked! If I remember correctly!"

"And I do! But still. You must have a vulnerable side. And you never let me see it. Aren't you exhausted?!"

I stare at him. Speechless, probably for the first time in my life. He continues:

"It just- It makes me feel like you don't think I deserve to know the real you. And I'd do anything for that, Alice."

I can feel the tears well up, and I don't think I can choke them down. To think that that's how I made him feel, and to know I can let myself be emotional, I break down. I start crying, and sobbing, and all I can muster is a few "I'm sorry" in between shallow breaths. Shawn takes me in his arms and lays my head on his chest.

"Hey, hey it's okay. Don't cry darling, or cry, it's okay," he comforts me.

I take a few deep breaths and wipe my tears. We both sit down and I try to explain myself, more for my own benefit than his:

"For so long, I've had to fake it. I've had to fake this confidence and this self love, because I would see all my friends in relationships, and I simply figured no one liked me because I wasn't good enough," I say without looking up. "But at one point, I stopped waiting for validation from others. And, I guess, as a twisted result of faking that confidence... I ended up not really letting myself be vulnerable. Ever..." I pause. "Even with my mom, who always wants to be there and help me if I need it! It's not you," I say while looking up into Shawn's eyes, "and it's not that I don't want to. It's that I've been telling myself I don't need anyone for so long... It's a big adjustment for me. But I do like you, Shawn. And I'm very sorry I made you feel like anything less than that. Of course I want to spend time with you." I wipe a tear and muster a smile. "And if that didn't scare you off, I'd love to try and be more vulnerable with you." Yes, always ending on a joke. Some things won't change.

Shawn shares my smile and takes my hands in his.

"I'd love nothing more. Is there anything I can do to help you?" he asks.

"Well, ironically, I am an open book, you just have to ask the right questions. I know I'm never gonna ask to talk about things, so if you want to know anything, ask me. I'll happily answer you."

"Thank you," Shawn says as he kisses my forehead.

"Alright! Want to come grocery shopping with me? I have to christen my new kitchen!" I say, a bit peppier than I was before.

"Let's go!" Shawn replies with no hesitation.