Don't Wake Me Up - Shawn Mendes

PART TWENTY FOUR

 I wake up, still wrapped in Shawn's arms. He feels me move and looks down to look at me.

"Hey there, how did you sleep?"

"Oh my, uhm, very well, thank you. You could've woken me."

"Never! You looked so cute, I didn't dare move. Did you know you smile in your sleep?"

I can't help but smile again.

"I knew I did as a baby. My mom would stare at me forever. She wouldn't want to miss a thing. I didn't know I still did it, though."

"Yeah you do. And I totally understand your mom," Shawn says quietly.

I reach up and give him a kiss. I get up from the bed and go to the bathroom to wash my face. I get back to find Shawn in the kitchen, boiling water and looking for mugs.

"To your right," I tell him as I sit on a stool.

He gathers everything for tea and pours the hot water in our mugs.

"So, are you feeling better? What happened?" Shawn asks me delicately, not trying to force me to talk.

"Well, I just remember seeing the photos, and I got this feeling I haven't felt in years... I couldn't place it. And then I started to freak out. I couldn't breathe, I was shaking. I called Xav since I knew he was up, he had just sent me the link. He talked me through it, and then suggested I call you, since you have more experience with paparazzi photos. But that wasn't it."

Shawn is listening intently, not wanting to interrupt me. I pause, but he doesn't chime in, so I continue:

"I told you I've had my little struggle with self-love, right? Well, it really manifested itself in high school. I remember comparing myself in my swimsuit to every other girl on the swim team. Isn't that crazy? I was a swimmer, I was active, I was healthy, but I wasn't happy with my appearance. I remember opening up about it with a friend on the team, one day we went to the pool outside of practice. We were in the deep end, and we talked about our bodies and stuff like that, and she asked about when I look at myself naked, and I realized I never did. I always avoided it. I couldn't even picture myself naked, because I hadn't seen it in so long. I always shielded my eyes from the mirror before and after a shower. I always got dressed as soon as possible. And I hadn't even realized I did that until that friend asked about it. So a few nights later, I took a deep breath and finally took a look. And I started to pick myself apart."

Shawn brings his hand to my arm to comfort me, but still doesn't say a word. He knows I still have more to say.

"And then, I started doing karate. I'd spend whole afternoons in front of mirrors. I had always kept to myself anything to do about my self doubts and self hate, but one day, I finally opened up to a friend. And a few more. I guess I was looking for advice, or for validation that I wasn't alone. But I always got the same reaction: they wouldn't believe me! They would tell me I give off, or I emanate, I guess is how I could translate it, something, this energy and confidence. They were so surprised I was actually insecure. It absolutely baffled me, because I hadn't started faking anything at that point. So there was a fierce confident person somewhere in there. I just didn't know how to get her out when I was by myself. The older I got, the more pressure I felt, and the worse it got in my head. But I kept this confident persona. And everyone I opened up to had the same reaction. I know they meant well, but it just made me feel like I should hide it even more. So I just stayed insecure. But no one would ever know. Until I started college and met some friends that shared the same insecurities or were in a similar situation. And it helped me to know I wasn't alone, but I still hated to see myself in mirrors or pictures. I always volunteered to take the selfies to make sure I had the right angle, and I avoided full body pictures like the plague. And when a friend would take a picture of me, just for laughs! It would absolutely destroy me to see myself. Because I hated what I saw, and I figured that to them, it's how I looked all the time. And they thought it was normal."

I see in Shawn's eyes that he knows where I'm going with this.

"So, I didn't panic because we're out or public or whatever... I panicked because seeing myself in these pictures. Not posing. Bending to get in the car. The awful lighting. The bad photo quality... It brought back these feelings. I hated seeing myself like that. I couldn't believe that's how they saw me. That's how all these people on the Internet will see me... I can't believe that's how you see me."

I'm looking down, not meeting Shawn's eyes. He understands that I'm done talking. That's when he lifts my chin with his hand and looks at me. I can barely hold his gaze.

"Alice. Two things. One: you're absolutely stunning. And I don't say that to make you feel better. I say that, because the person you are inside shines through and people see this radiant, beautiful person. That's what your friends meant. Do you have any ugly friends?" he asks me, not rhetorically.

"Uhm.. No. I don't," I answer.

"Is it because you're shallow?"

"No! I'm not shallow! I just..." I start, but Shawn finishes my sentence for me.

"No. Because the people you love are always going to be beautiful to you. Which brings me to number two. I do see you. I see you when you smile. I see how your eyes can never hide your surprise. I see you when you laugh sincerely. I see how your face lights up and your eyes close, and you let out that scream! I see you turn your head when you hear a noise and it distracts you from your own stories. I see you when you're a bit sleepy and you stare off in the distance. I see you when you're turned on or when you're being a tease and you bite your lip. I see you when you walk towards me, your hips swaying, and I see all the little steps you have to take to keep up with me. You don't see that. You have a static view of yourself. But I see you always. And you're absolutely gorgeous. I may be biased by point number one I mentioned before, but as far as I'm concerned, you're amazing. And everyone seeing you on that article isn't as lucky as me to know all of you, but what they think of you is none of your business. It's their own thing. So you really have nothing to worry about. I love who you are, not who you think you should be."

I take in all his words. And I hate to admit it, but he's right. I bring up my hand to my face to wipe the tear that formed in the corner of my eye, hoping Shawn didn't see it. He brings his thumb up to my cheek and beats me to it. He smiles and brings himself closer to lay a kiss on my lips. I smile, and I'm reminded of what he just told me about seeing me. I pull my face away and thank him for this.

"Hey, no need to thank me. It's only the truth," he replies matter-of-factly, yet jokingly.

"And it could've been worse! Could've been a pic from the window!" I say.

We both burst out laughing and Shawn wraps his arms around my waist to bring us closer.

"Come here, you," he says as he kisses me again.