SHATTERED (An Amy Lee FanFiction)

9

He said his name. I could not believe it. He suggested therapy with him.

"Okay..." I murmured.

"Amy, love, I'm getting really worried about you." he says. Yeah, totally, you're the reason why.

"It's nothing, I can manage that."

He then left a note with Josh's phone number and left the bathroom. As I was washing my hair, I remembered everything. Our first kiss, our first hug, our first intimacy act, our first hands holding, our first... everything. I remembered when he proposed, before we released Fallen. I even wrote a song about it. "Amy, marry me, promise you'll stay with me... '' was singing inside my head. I felt sorry. Was it my fault? Did I provoke him?

I finished washing myself and I got out of the bathroom only to find everyone looking weird and worried at me.

"What?" I chuckled.

"You were on the floor throwing up 15 minutes ago. Are you okay?" John said.

"Yeah, you good? Do you need us to drive you to the hospital?" Rocky asked.

"Are you... pregnant?" said Will.

"What?! No and no. Yeah, I'm fine. Thank you guys. Thank you. I'm not pregnant. It's just... the panic attacks are back. I think I'm exhausted from touring, singing and all.

Ben came and laid next to me, cuddling with me. He then kissed my forehead and gave me a cold water bottle and some crackers. He was trying to pretend to care for me. I felt that. Another wave of nausea hit me again but I managed to make it go away. I hated feeling like this. I felt like I needed to see a psychiatrist asap and be put on meds because my mental health is deteriorating.

"Ames, seriously, let me phone Josh for ya."

"I'll talk to him."

"Now?"

"Yes."

I phoned Josh and was waiting for him to pick him.

"Come on, please... please... "

"Hi, Amy. What's up? Are you okay?"

"Yeah, hi... I'm fine if I can say so. What about you?"

"Good. What happened?"

"Look... I've been having horrible panic attacks lately. I just had one and I puked on the bus and all over myself. I feel miserable. I need to talk to someone."

"Where are you now, Germany? If you want, I can book the first flight and come there. "

"Yes, please. Thank you, thank you, Josh..."

"Amy... are you ok? Did he hurt you?"

"No, please don't mention it to anyone."

"Sure... Amy?"

"Yeah."

"Take care, please."

We ended the call and I told Ben Josh would fly to Germany so we would have our first appointment. He seemed angry and said that flying for your client is way too much. I tried to explain that was because they both were friends and he offered to do that because of him. I felt he bought it.

I felt empty. This panic attack literally destroyed me. My arms were hurting so much. I was hurting. I felt like I could not take life any longer. My sadness felt like drowning.

"Here we are!" said the bus driver, Derek.

We got off and went inside by the reception. We registered and went to our rooms. Of course, I was sharing my room with Ben. He seemed to be still high but it was wearing off.  My arms were literally searing in pain and I could not carry my luggage anymore. John proceeded to help me up and I just dropped on the bed. I still smelled like puke I guess. I was terrified because the next day we were playing in Cologne. My head was already hurting because Ben would force me to wear what he wanted, my makeup the way he liked, my hair... my everything. I felt like he owned me. Like I did not have a purpose just to be a singing doll onto the stage with people cheering and saying I saved their lives. Yeah, but who saves mine?