Her Hidden Self | ✓

E p i l o g u e

4 years later

Dear Notebook, 

For years, you've carried my secrets and thoughts, my every demon and ghost. You held them captive and saved me from them. But, now for once, I want to give you something beautiful to treasure. I want to share my unforgettable memories with you, so that when I read you, I don't feel remorse.

I don't want to be haunted by all the things I've ever written, I want to paint them with beauty and warmth.  I won't let my past destroy my future or steal my present.

I thought, I  would never write about how I feel. I never wanted to,  but, it's 3:45 AM right now and I am feeling overwhelmed. It's like something inside me is stirring, begging me to be let out. 

So, this is me finally unlocking the cage and giving myself a chance to breathe out.

What happened all those years ago changed something's forever. Dylan's death and Finn's disappearance from our lives left all of us devastated. I hated how all of that happened because of me, for me and yet, all of my friends had to suffer. This is something that took me months to get over.

But, we didn't let those events affect us, in all honestly, it just brought us closer. We fell together, we rose and we healed. 

After the graduation a lot of us had to make big decisions, choose a new path and career but, we still stay in touch and spend as much as time possible together. 

Never in a million years, I ever thought that I would become a counselor, but I am so glad that I did. Because, I see glimpses of me in everyone I meet. Me hiding in their anger or lost in their sorrow. When they tell me about their problems, their emotions, I catch myself flowing in between their words. I had been a survivor for so long and now I want to be a savior.

I was not able to help myself that time, I want to help them. I couldn't save me from all the self destruction, before it was too late, but I strive to save them. I need to protect their happiness, in order to get mine and this is how, I am trying my best to look for good in life, in myself.

I also forgave Mom for everything. It was not easy at first, because what she did will stay with me forever. The time may heal the wound, but the scar would always be there. I know, she did some horrible things, but, didn't we all?

We all were grieving and trying to find a way to cope with that grief. We all made mistakes, but I don't want those mistakes to define our relationship. I don't want my past to define my future and that's the biggest relief behind my forgiveness.

We are nowhere near close yet, there's still so much distance between us, but every day, we help each other out taking a small step closer towards one another and I know, that one day we'll be able to cover all the distance. I know that one day, she'll be the mom I always imagined, I always desired.

I also met her husband. His name is Simon, he's an accountant and a really charming man, more importantly he makes her the happiest and that makes me happy. 

Although dad got so jealous when I went on a lunch with Simon. He can be pretty dramatic at times, I applaud Delia for being with him and handle him so well. Being his wife is not an easy job.

Both of my parents are in a good place and they deserve nothing less than that. I didn't ask Dad about my past either, it's something he clearly never wanted me to know, so I'll pretend that I don't. If in my oblivion he finds solace, then I'll pretend to be oblivious for the rest of my life.

And - seeing my parents happy and doing well inspires me to do well too. 

I won't say that I am perfectly fine now, that I've moved on from everything and living life completely free - but, I am almost there. 

And I know that with the love of my life by my side, I'll be completely fine one day. He never lets a day go by without saying that he loves me and I know, because of him I'll be able to love myself too.

The love of my life, the owner of my heart Ethan is sleeping peacefully like an infant as I look at him.

Ethan had been spending time with my Dad. Every other weekend they go out for drinks and nothing makes me more peaceful, than seeing the two most important men in my life together.

This is what I focus on now on good things, on better moments. All my life, I ran away from happiness, thinking I didn't deserve it, but, now I embrace it. I welcome all my blessings with open arms, because life is filled with so many beautiful and unforgettable days like today.

Today, Katelynn and Theodore got married and I've never seen any of them look so ecstatic. Kate looked like an angel in her wedding dress, no wonder why it made Theo tear up, but he was not the only one crying. 

The other person was Dad. He started crying in the middle of the ceremony, at one point he was completely losing it, bawling his eyes out that my fiancé had to rescue him out to get fresh air.

That's not it, Kate and Theo's wedding was full of surprises and unexpected events. Like, when Nate showed up at the wedding with his boyfriend as his plus one or when Maria couldn't come because, she's in Ghana so she decided to send an entire circus - yes an entire circus- to the wedding hall. 

Or when Kate and Theo were finally about to dance, Sharon got hit with the labor pain and started crying. 

Everything turned into a one big mess as everyone tried to play the doctor. Fortunately, it all went well and Sharon gave birth to a gorgeous little girl in a suite, which was especially reserved for the bride and groom. Their precious room turned into a delivery room.

Over all, it was an unforgettable day for me and I am pretty sure, Kate and Theo won't forget it either. A wedding that turned into a disaster and somehow, still ended perfectly.

They are still so many things, I have to note down. My meeting with Sieve and Ericka's saloon, Nate's boyfriend who is a celebrity interviewer and Maria who is busy travelling the world, about Emma and Dave's twins.

Most importantly, I have to write about all the preparations, I've done for my wedding

- but my fiancé is awake now and he is looking at me with those drowsy eyes, calling out my name and complaining how bed feels so cold without me there. So, I guess I'd have to stop here for now.

Until, next time.