Serena

T w e n t y-f i v e

We then walk about five to six feet apart and he follows me to the food court where I take a seat, leaning back as far as I can in the red plastic chair. He takes the identical one across from me and folds his hands on the table, looking at them as if trying to think of what to say.

He shakes his head and rubs his wide hands up and down his biceps as if he were cold. "First of all, I don't want you to think I'm stalking you or whatever. My little sister has a dance recital tomorrow and it means a lot to her if I come, and considering there isn't much to do in this town I figured I'd blow some time at the mall," he states, looking at me.

I give a single nod and he exhales before continuing. "I've thought a lot about what I would say to you if I ever got the chance to apologize. You'd think considering the number of times I've practiced it I'd remember, but now that you're actually in front of me I've turning into a chicken shit," he rambles to himself.

The thought that he was afraid of me is amusing, but I say nothing and only glare at him with cold eyes.

"Anyways," he says, picking up again, "I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am. For not stopping Tyler when I had the chance and eventually joining him. That side of me...I never knew existed and I'm terrified of myself now—at what I'm capable of. But that's not the point because I know you probably don't care. The point is, is that I want you to know that I'm disgusted with myself and that you've been on my mind every day—thinking about how I've most likely ruined your life. If it makes you feel any better I hate myself and looking at my own reflection makes me want to throw up. I lie awake every night wondering how I can make what happened right. Obviously I can't change the past, but I'd give anything to go back to that night and do things differently."

His apology is strangely comforting but of course, it doesn't make things right between us. My eyes soften but I can still fell a bit of hatred behind them. Leaning forward, I tilt my head ever so slightly. "How old is your sister?" I ask.

For a moment he looks confused, but answers anyway, "Eleven?"

Pressing my lips together, I lean the rest of the way forward and place my elbows on the edge. "How would you like it if someone did that to her? To know that every time she goes to sleep she's scared, knowing that she will have to relive those memories? To go to school and be bullied every single day because she had to drop out for a year?" I begin. I see him cringe at every word but continue anyways.

"To have to go to see a psychiatrist multiple times a week? To know that she feels ugly, broken, and utterly empty? That no matter how many times she showers, she will always feel unclean? Feel their hands on her body? Have her sense of security stripped away? Make it hard to trust anyone ever again? To feel like sometimes, death would be better than to have to face another day? To cry herself to sleep every night?" I ask, shaking my head. "I can continue if you'd like."

His face twists up in pain and disgust and he swallows hard. "Serena I-" he begins, but I cut him off with a raised hand.

"Do you know what it's like to have to see your faces every time I close my eyes? I have little to no friends now thank to you. Do you even know what they say about me at school? They think I'm some strung out druggie with a baby and that's why I left for the year to try and cover up a false pregnancy," I spit, shaking my head. "What? Tired of me talking about it already?" I ask, "Just think how tired I am living and dealing with it every day." Anger has replaced fear at this point. All of the bitter emotions I've held towards the fair haired boy in front of me have demanded to be released, and I don't plan on sparing his feelings.

"At first, I wasn't capable of saying no so what makes you think I'd have been able to say yes?" I ask, "Did you hear me say it?"

He looks away from me, ashamed and has fallen silent just as the birds do.