Disdain, Agony, Hope, and Love #Wattys2020

Chapter 56

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Perhaps the Colonel could read his mind, or maybe it was his posture at the window that alerted his cousin to his unease. Either way, something betrayed Darcy's troubled thoughts to his cousin, who was quick to ask him about it.

"What is on your mind at present? Did you not enjoy yesterday evening's dinner with Miss Bennet's aunt and uncle?"

Darcy turned away from his mindless observation of the outside world.

"Perceptive as always, Fitzwilliam," he replied. "I enjoyed my visit very much. It is not that which is troubling me, though."

"Then what is?"

Darcy sighed and sat down. "I am confused," he admitted. "I know that it is impossible that Miss Bennet would love me, but her aunt and uncle seem to be in favour of me marrying her."

"How on earth do they know? You have been quite secretive over your feelings with myself and Georgiana, I find it impossible that you would confide in two relative strangers."

"Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner are very perceptive gentlefolk. I am not surprised they have noticed my affection."

Colonel Fitzwilliam thought. "Perhaps you should take their encouragement as a good sign. I am sure they would be aware of Miss Elizabeth's feelings for you."

"I wish I could," said Darcy. "But it was only vaguely implied, there was no actual proof."

"Darcy, are you sure you want to propose to Miss Elizabeth Bennet again?" asked the Colonel seriously.

"Why do you ask that?"

"I am not being pessimistic, but what if she were to refuse you a second time? Dealing with your broken heart during those months after Kent was bad enough - I fear to imagine what would happen were you to again be disappointed."

"Do you believe that she holds no regard for me still?"

"I do not believe anything about the matter at present, for I have no information, save what happened at Kent and afterwards. I am being realistic. There are other concerns, though. Is not Mr. Wickham married to Miss Elizabeth's younger sister?"

"Yes . . ." said Darcy cautiously.

"Are you willing to connect yourself with him?"

Darcy pondered this. He had never thought about it before.

Wickham was perhaps the one being in the world that Darcy hated. He had never had such strong feelings to anyone, except for Elizabeth and she was at the very opposite end of his emotional spectrum.

He realised that if he were to marry Elizabeth, Wickham would be related to him in the closest manner possible, as his brother-in-law. The connection Darcy had narrowly avoided two summers ago would occur.

Could he overlook it, were he to marry Elizabeth?

Why should I care about that? he asked himself. As children, we were already brothers in everything but name and blood. As adults, I may not like it, but do not have to have anything to do with him.

If I were to marry Elizabeth, Wickham may become my brother-in-law - But I would have Elizabeth by my side. That is all that matters.

"Yes, I can. Do you object?"

"Not at all. If you love her, then I am perfectly satisfied. But tell me truthfully, are you seriously considering giving her a second proposal of marriage?"

Darcy sighed. "I do not know. I - " He stopped, at loss for words.

"You are still in love with her."

"Yes. She dominates my every thought, every waking moment. It is quite ironic, actually," said Darcy, smiling in slight amusement, but it was brief. "The only woman I can imagine myself marrying is the only one I can never have."

His cousin looked at him in sympathy and wonder.

"I will never cease to be amazed at the change Miss Bennet has woven over you. Before, it would be an unheard event for you to open yourself and speak of your deepest feelings to even your closest relatives. You would never swallow your pride admit to your faults and mistakes, nor would you let anybody else take the burden of responsibility from you."

Colonel Fitzwilliam smiled. "I sincerely hope that this change will not go unrewarded. I fervently wish to see you happy."

Darcy shook his head. "But I have no knowledge of her feelings for me. They have altered so drastically during our acquaintance. If I knew that she loved me, then I would race to Hertfordshire at once. If I knew that she loved me, for myself then I would have no qualms at all to proposing a second time."

He stood up and went to stare out of the window again.

"But I do not know. I wish I did. It would save me many sleepless nights."

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