Memento Mori {A Series of Unfortunate Events}

•FOUR• In Which Lasagna Tastes Like Horseradish

WORD COUNT: 1025 

You went to the library first and checked out To Kill a Mockingbird from the librarian, who turned out to be a very nice person. You found the cafeteria ten minutes later and were horrified to see the entire room swivel to look at you as you walked through the doors. You ducked your head down and grabbed a tray from the stack, heading over to get your food. A brick of blackened lasagna clunked onto your plate, and a puddle of apple juice was poured beside it. "You were late for lunch, so your cup was taken away." One of the cafeteria workers explained. You used a napkin to clean the puddle off your tray, and then looked around for an empty table to sit at and read your book. The problem was there were no empty tables. The table with the least people was the one where Carmelita and one other person sat. "Hey, orphan, Isabella or whatever your name is!" Carmelita called. "I would ask you to sit at my table, but you're too ugly to sit here, and it's a cakesniffer-free zone." She laughed, then began to chant "Cakesniffing orphan! Cakesniffing orphan!" Everyone joined in except a table with three children and an adorable baby.

"Leave her alone, Carmelita. Just like last time, you're still the cakesniffer here." Came a voice from behind you. You felt a hand on your shoulder and turned around to face a boy of around your age. "You can come to sit with us, Sorry about Carmelita, she's a brat." You snorted. "You don't think I know that already?" He laughed and led you to his table. You sat next to him, and he introduced himself. "I'm Duncan Quagmire, and this is my sister Isadora. These are the Baudelaires, Violet, Klaus, and Sunny. We're all orphans too. Join the club of kids-who's-parents-died-in-mysterious-fires." He added bitterly.

"Nice to meet you." You said to them."I'm Y/N Austen." 

"Ahola." Sunny babbled. "Hi." You replied. "You can understand her?" The boy with glasses, Klaus, asked, incredulously. "Yeah, I guess," you said sarcastically. "I have a twin brother, and he talks like a baby." You hesitated. "I had a twin brother." The Quagmires looked away, and Sunny said. "Dya?" You smiled sadly. "Yeah. He died with my parents." Isadora looked back at me and said. "We lost our triplet Quigley in a fire too. I understand how hard that is." I smiled sadly at her. "Anyway, on a happier note, who thinks I could knock Carmelita out with this brick of lasagna?" I asked. Everyone laughed. "So, what book are you reading?" Klaus asked. "To Kill a Mockingbird," I answered. "I love that book. Reading's one of my favourite things to do." Klaus smiled. "I love to read too, and that's one of my favourite books as well." 

The sound of coughing and spluttering caught my attention and  I turned to see Duncan, who had taken an accidental bite of lasagna and was now choking on the flavour. "It tasted like horseradish!" He exclaimed, pulling a disgusted face. You laughed. "Anyway, who's class are you in?" He wrinkled his nose. "Mr Remora. He lectures about his personal experiences." Then, he continued in a flat, monotone voice "Today, I'm going to tell you about the time I spilt ketchup on my sweater..." You grimaced. "That is not a good imitation, Duncan" Violet laughed. "But we get the point," I added. "So apparently I'm supposed to live in the broom closet with you guys." You stated. "Um, Okay!" Isadora said, a mischievous look playing across her face. "Duncan'll show you where it is after class.

After lunch, I headed to Mr Remora's class with Duncan and Violet. I let them walk slightly ahead of me, thinking my own thoughts when I noticed Duncan and Violet were holding hands. I smiled to myself, and when we reached the door of the classroom, I caught up with them for a second and whispered: "I TOTALLY ship it!" before stepping into the classroom.

Mr Remora assigned me to sit in the back of the classroom and handed me a stack of lined paper for note-taking. "Everybody, give a warm welcome to our newest orphan, Audrey or something..." Mr Remora said flatly, in an I'm-starting-a-lecture voice. Everyone turned to look at you. "Um, Actually, It's Y/N." He gave a 'Whatever' face. The entire class was staring at you, not looking away or making any noise. It was honestly creepy. "Um, guys, I'm not a carnival exhibit." You stated flatly. Duncan and Violet laughed and everyone turned away.

You continued to take notes on the "Time my cat scratched my finger and it didn't bleed." After class, you followed Duncan to the broom closet. There was one bed with a lumpy mattress and two stacks of yoga mats laid out on the floor. "Izzy and I usually alternate, but now that there's three of us, we will have to rotate between three," Duncan said thoughtfully. "No, it's okay." you reassured, "I wouldn't want to mess up your system, and really, I don't mind sleeping on yoga mats." Duncan shrugged. "Okay then." When Isadora came back, you all sat on the yoga mats and talked about life before the fires, people at Prufrock, and Isadora's new poem about Carmelita,

I would rather eat a bowl full of vampire bats
Than spend an hour with Carmelita Spats

We laughed about it for a while, coming up with different versions of it, most of them extremely offensive to the person they were intended for. Which was mostly Carmelita, but you did write a good one about Duncan!

Duncan thinks he is so witty
And that he looks extremely pretty
But in truth, he's as pretty as a troll
And should probably go die in a hole

Duncan was outraged at this, but Isadora laughed really hard and wrote it down in her notebook. Of course, you didn't mean it rudely, but Duncan was bragging about his adorableness, so you had to burst his ego before it outsized his own head. By the time it was lights out, you felt like you'd known them your whole life.