Memento Mori {A Series of Unfortunate Events}

•FIVE• In Which there is a 'Coach Ghengis'

Word Count: 2400

In the morning, you walked to breakfast with the triplets, pretended to eat the sour oatmeal which tasted like horseradish, like all the other food, and headed to class. The Baudelaires had a meeting with Vice Principal Nero, so they weren't walking with you. "So," Duncan said. "You measure things in your class?" Isadora nodded. "That's the only thing we do. It's so boring." you raised an eyebrow. "We sit there and take notes on how Mr Remora spilt coffee on his cat."
"Oh, fun," Isadora noted sarcastically. 

"Hello, Hello, Hello." A deep voice said menacingly. A shadow fell over the wall behind you, and you turned to see who it was. "What are helpless orphans like yourselves doing in a place like this?" Isadora glanced at Duncan before asking "Who are you?" The man started to take a step forward, chanting "Pretend this handsome face doesn't haunt your every waking and sleeping hour. You'll never be rid of me. You'll never be safe. You have so much to learn, orphans, and I am here to school you. The three of you better– Wait. The three–'' He pointed at Isadora, "One." Then Duncan, "Two." Then at you, "Three. But wait, you're not a baby!" You almost laughed, but the circumstances appeared too dire. "I'm pretty sure I'm not a baby." You turned to look at Isadora questioningly. "I'm not a baby, right?" She smiled. "Pretty sure you're not." The man took another step towards you. "Wait. You're not the Baudelaires! Duncan stepped toward the man, mimicking his earlier action. "Who are you, you miscreant!" The man raised an eyebrow. "Miscreant? I know who you are now. You sound just like your mother, Quigley." A sad look passed over the triplet's faces as Duncan corrected "Duncan."

"You miscreant, never again will you darken the doors of this aeroplane hangar. Such a tiresome woman, always reading Italian poetry and activating trapdoors." Isadora looked confusedly back at the man. "How did you know our mother?" He smiled cruelly. "Oh, I know everything about you. know the number of hairs on your heads-'' You looked at him oddly. "Um, pretty sure you don't. 'Cause would be really creepy." Duncan coughed to cover up a laugh. "I know the number of sapphires in your secret vaults-'' You lifted your hands in front of you, motioning for him to stop talking. "Hold up. I don't have any sapphires in my family's vault. Wait. You guys do?" The last part was directed to the Quagmire triplets. They nodded. "Wait, what?" The man asked, confused. "You're not the third Quagmire? Quiggles or something..." You looked at Duncan and Isadora and corrected sadly. "No, I'm Y/n Austen, not Quigley Quagmire."

Then you heard a strange noise coming from the hallway behind the man. "Give me back my burrito you miscreant!" It was the cafeteria man chasing Carmelita, who was holding a wrapped cylindrical bundle tied with a ribbon. Must be the burrito... You thought, before running down an adjacent hallway when the evil dude turned to look at the strange scenario unfolding behind him. As soon as you were out of his sight, you turned to Duncan and Isadora. "Do you think that was Count Olaf?" You whispered. "The man the Baudelaires were telling us about?" Isadora thought for a second before answering "Yes. I think so. We have to tell the Baudelaires!" Duncan broke into a run, motioning for you to follow. 

You arrived at the amphitheatre for the assembly quicker than normal and took your seats next to the Baudelaires. "I think Count Olaf is here!" You whispered to Klaus. "What?" He whisper-shouted back. "COUNT OLAF IS HERE!" You shouted over the cheering students. When he gave you a confused look, you turned to Duncan, motioning for him to give you his notebook. When he handed it over, along with a pencil, you flipped to a blank page. You scribbled "COUNT OLAF! HERE!" Then tried to show it to Klaus. Mr. Remora stood up and slammed the notebook shut before you could hand it to Klaus. You tried again, and he read it quickly, just as Count Olaf, dressed as Coach Ghengis, jumped through the ring. "Count Olaf!" Klaus and Violet said at the same time."Olaf." Sunny gurgled.