Word Count: 1124
"There's someone coming down the slope." You said, startled.
"It must be Sunny!" Viol et said ecstatically. You peered through the spyglass again, turning the dials to zoom in on the speeding figure. "No, whoever it is, they're too tall to be Sunny." Quigley snatched the spyglass out of your hands to look through it and you kicked him in the ankles, sticking out your tongue. "That's strange, it looks like they're on fire." He noted, kicking you back. Violet then snatched the spyglass from Quigley and peered up at the person/fire sliding down the dangerously vertical waterfall. "That's not fire..." Violet said, shaking her head in wonder and loathing. "It's fashion."
"Esmé," Klaus groaned.
"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" Esmé screamed, flying down the waterfall. You gripped Quigley's arm and dragged him out of the way as Esme's momentum carried her off the end of the waterfall. She flew through the burnt doors of the building and continued screaming while she glided over the ashes of three more consecutive rooms.
A very loud cRaSh sounded from a room just out of your sight, followed by the sound of splintering wood and an angry, screeching woman. You ducked behind a fallen table and Klaus, Violet, and Quigley ducked behind other objects to hide them from Esme's view. Esmè stumbled out of the sooty doorway and fixed her askew sunglasses. "I thought you volunteers were supposed to be smart." she slurred, kicking off her skis and adjusting her trailing orange and red fabric wings. "But is someone is still lurking around, that's very stupid."
You rolled your eyes.
Esmé continued: "Your headquarters are destroyed, your worst enemies are on top of that mountain, and I'm right here. AND dressed to kill." She started walking towards your hiding spot, and you hurried to pull your fencing mask over your face. You had just pulled the strap tight around your head when Esmé's ugly face appeared right over you.
"You're short for a volunteer." She noted. "But I've always said: reading stunts your growth." You slapped her in the face and ducked out from under the table, running across the room. "Don't run, I just want to torture you until you give me the location of the sugar bowl," Esmé whined, rubbing her cheek. "You once threw a masked ball here and you didn't invite me."
"Not that I care." She added, sounding like she really cared. "A face this gorgeous shouldn't be hidden behind a mask." Klaus and Violet made a run for it, dashing out of the kitchen and running to the library.
"Are you in the kitchen?" Esmé said stupidly, as if you would just shout "No, we're in the library. Come and kill us."
"Or perhaps..." She said walking into a small room that was charred black. "You're hiding in... Whatever room this is. Oh right, it's the hot tub room. You'd better come out NOW. When I get my hands on you, skinning you alive will be the first thing I'll do."
"Come on, come on... One more step!" You whispered to yourself, and sure enough, she took one last step forward, right onto the half-splintered boards covering the hot tub. CRACK! The boards snapped and Esmé fell into the hot tub. You rushed into the room and the Baudelaires and Quigley followed right behind you. "I may be mistaken, but I think we just trapped Esmé Squalor at the bottom of a surprisingly deep hot tub." You laughed.
"Is she alive?" Klaus asked, peering over your shoulder. "Of course. In a minute, you'll hear her telling you to bring her some tea or something." You snorted.
"I WANT COFFEE, YOU UNGRATEFUL VOLUNTEERS!" Esmé shrieked. "TEA IS OUT !"
"Of course, your majesty." You sassed back at the vain woman.
"Get me OUT OF HERE AT ONCE!"
"Not a chance!"
"Being trapped in a hot tub is even less In than getting inside one on purpose."
"I can make a pulley system to get her out.." Violet offered half-heartedly.
"Or," Quigley began.
"GeT mE oUt oF HeRe!" Esmé screeched.
"Count Olaf has someone you love, and now you have someone he does," Quigley said menacingly. "We could arrange a trade."
"An exchange of hostages?" You said, looking at Quigley with disgust. "I am not sinking to their level."
"WHEEN MY BOYFRIEND FINDS OUT YOU TRAPPED ME IN A HOT TUB, HE IS GOING TO BE SO ANGRY!!!"
"Shut up you STUPID cakesniffer!" You shouted back, glaring.
"Olaf captures people to get what he wants." Quigley persuaded.
"So you want to do the same thing as him?" You raised your eyebrows in shock. "You have to fight fire with fire." He responded.
"If you fight fire with fire the whole world goes up in smoke." You said stonily, turning your back on the boy and stared down at the angry fireball in the hot tub.
"There has to be another way." Klaus agreed, shaking his head at Quigley.
"Klaus? Oh, this is rich. You're not volunteers, you're the Baudelaires."
"You really are an idiot." You responded. "Are you deaf? Or blind? Or both? We've literally been talking the entire time. It took you so long to recognise us."
"Olaf will be so disappointed you didn't die when he dropped you off the mountain." Esmé drawled.
"He WHAT!?? " You shouted, turning to the Baudelaires. "Long story," Klaus muttered.
"Of course, he'll be thrilled to be able to kill you again." Esmé mused. She then gave a start and stared at Quigley. "You! Didn't you float off in a bunch of balloons?"
"I'm Quigley Quagmire. I survived the fire."
"Sheesh, some days you just can't catch a break." She sighed overdramatically.
"We'll help you out, but only if you help us get our sister back." Klaus negotiated.
"And what if I refuse?" Esmé sneered.
"Then we'll leave you to rot in the bottom of a surprisingly deep hot tub." You deadpanned.
"Your well-read side of the schism never wins." She warned. "I was supposed to waste my summer reading Anna Karenina, but I threw that waste of space in the fire. I was right all along, the bad guys always win. Look at me now, I'm beautiful and fashionable."
"And trapped in the bottom of a hot tub." You reminded her.
"You will never save your sister!" She shrieked. "Just like you'll never save those rich kids hiking up mount fraught to celebrate false spring."
"Carmelita." You said at the same time Violet asked "False Spring?"
"Countless orphans," Quigley said, worried. "Countless fortunes," Klaus growled, scowling at Esmé.
"They're going to kidnap the Snow Scouts and murder their parents." Violet clarified.
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YOU ARE READING
Memento Mori {A Series of Unfortunate Events}
Fanfiction"You know, if you have to hide a secret headquarters, it's a beautiful place to do it." You remarked. "It's a lovely view." But you noticed Quigley wasn't looking at the mountains when he replied, "Very lovely indeed." _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ Sor...
