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I can feel myself becoming a bad person and I don't know how to stop it

Like, no matter how people act around me I always have that little feeling in the back of my head that just tells me they hang out with me because they feel bad for me

So I try my best to be indispensable and important to them but it really just leaves me feeling like a bad person who can't form proper connections

I don't know how to be myself without violently criticizing myself either aloud with self deprecating humor or in my head

Like I already feel like actually talking to somebody about my feelings is basically asking to be made fun of and hurt and then adding the rest of that sad shit on there doesn't make it better

I haven't been ""myself"" in so long I don't even remember what I was like before

It's absolutely awful and I cannot stop it.