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I've established myself as the funny friend so,, fucking perfectly that it makes me realize that huh

none of my friends would like me if i wasnt like this

if I didnt play the role of the funny dumbass who dorsnt sleep enough and is just so funny!!!

and ik they would be like "no we would still like you even if you weren't funny!!"

but like

it's the only personality trait I know works. it's the literal only thing you know about me. I've done so well hiding everything I feared wasnt palatable for the people around me that even the people I consider close friends know little to nothing thats about me.

you couldn't like me if I wasnt funny. you dont even know me. I've spent so long masterfully masking everything unpalatable that I dont know what's an act and what's me anymore.

and another part of that, because I'm not conventionally attractive (which is true, I'm not fishing, according to modern beauty standards I'm ugly lmao) people ONLY want to have me around if I'm funny

like, god how do I put this

my friends like, genuinely dont believe im capable of a relationship. wanna know why? because according to them I'm like, the funny aunt or cousin and like, they could never IMAGINE me in a relationship. they think weird.

which like ok lmao it's funny to joke about ig but like shit the people around me really see me as like, unlovable? like I am only allowed to be funny or else suddenly I'm not fun anymore. suddenly I'm not their friend anymore.

I dont get to just be. n honestly thats kinda shit