Fat Girl ✔️

Ben is Back

There he was. Just a few feet away, close enough to see his lopsided smile. He leaned against his truck, waving me over.

"Ellie..."

I turned back to Blake, seeing the look on his face. I shook my head. "I'm sorry, Blake. But the answer's no."

With that, I turned away, leaving him on the bleachers alone. I had no idea if I was making the right decision, or if I was making a big mistake, but something in my heart told me I had to let Blake go. Maybe it wasn't our time. Maybe we just weren't meant to be.

I grabbed my bag and slung it over my shoulders, racing to the fence. Pulling back the rusted gate, I met Ben by his truck.

"Hey," I said, smiling as I pulled him into a warm embrace. "What are you doing here?"

"I got my truck fixed early, so I figured I might as well come down now."

I laughed. "This is so great! How long are you here?"

Ben gestured to the car, and I stepped into the passenger seat as he buckled himself in and started the car.

"Only two days. I've got some stuff to pick up, a few job interviews for after college, and then I'm due back home."

My smile fell a little. Only two days. But still. Just sitting in his car, his scent wafting over to me from the driver's seat, I felt safe and comfortable. Ben gestured to Blake, who was running back to his teammates on the football field.

"Who's that?" He asked, peering through the glass window.

"Just a friend," I replied, watching as Blake put his helmet back on. At least for now, that's what he was. Whatever we were... it had to be over. For the good of both of us.

***

"No, that's not how I remember it," I laughed, taking a sip out of my milkshake. Ben and I sat on a bench outside of the burger place, watching the sun set on the city as we enjoyed our dinner.

"I swear! We were all there! You just, you got up from the table, all 'May I be excused?' and then the next thing we know, you're passed out on the ground. I mean, I thought you were dead."

"I was just dizzy!"

Ben laughed, shaking his head. "After that, Kenna just left. I think she was overwhelmed." He picked up a fry, popping it in his mouth.

"Sorry about that. I didn't mean to... Were you two..."

Ben looked at me, brushing the hair out of his face. "...No."

I held my breath, looking him in the eyes. I could tell that he was telling me the truth. "Good."

He was there, only a few inches from my face, so close I could feel his breath fanning on mine. He was so close, so close I thought it would happen. I blinked, and...

Nothing happened. I opened my eyes in confusion. 

"Look," Ben said, pulling away. I let out a breath. "I don't want to... force you into anything you're not sure about."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"I mean... Don't pick me first. Pick yourself first, and me second. If you want."

I blinked, then nodded. He was right. With Blake, we'd rushed into things. I was so quick to think I was ready for a relationship, ready to care for someone else without caring for myself first. Blake was in it for himself, and so was I. We were both selfish. I wondered how differently things would be for Blake and I if we'd waited. If I could've dodged a bullet, or found something more. 

Sitting next to Ben, I remembered what he said that day in the nook. I had people who loved me, of course. But Ben was the first person to ask if I loved myself. And I wanted to. I wasn't sure if I did, yet, but I was on my way. I definitely was starting to like myself, and that was a step in the right direction.

"Okay."

With that, Ben took my hand, and he drove me home. We didn't kiss that night. But I was okay with that.

***

I sat in the cafeteria next to Bella, gazing across the cafeteria. Ingrid sat with her friends, as per usual. But something was different. I watched the way she seemed separated from the rest of them. She was quiet, isolated.

I never liked her, and she didn't like me either. But something was wrong. I hadn't seen her cheer at all the past few weeks. I remembered seeing her face and hearing her voice in the hospital. The things she said, how scared she sounded. As much as I hated her, I couldn't help but sympathize with her. 

"I was thinking we should sign up to be on the Prom committee," Sydney spoke up, staring into her plate of food. "That way we actually get a say on the theme this year."

"How come they never do my Panamanian themed Idea?" Bella asked with a pout. "It's always Paris, or Italy, or somewhere in Western Europe. I'm so sick of Eurocentric themed parties."

I shifted my gaze from Ingrid's table to another, where Blake sat. He sat next to Julian talking into his ear quietly. I watched as the two engaged in heavy conversation. Blake said something, and Julian laughed. Then they got quiet.

I longed to know what it was they were talking about, but it was none of my business.

"I'm gonna grab a napkin," I said, excusing myself from the table. I left Bella and Sydney discussing Prom themes as I went to the lunch line.

As I passed Blake's table, he saw me. I watched him say something to Julian, standing up and coming to join me in line.

"Hey," He said, standing next to me.

"Hey."

We stood silently for a moment.

"You know me and Julian have known each other since birth? Our Mom's were best friends. We grew up together. Everywhere I went, he was always there. And I always knew I loved him. He was like family. I just didn't think..."

I watched Julian from our place in line. He ate his food quietly, keeping to himself.

"I'm sorry for the way he treated you," Blake said, turning back to me. "I know he's sorry too, even if he won't admit it."

"I get it," I said. "In a way, we were both embarrassed by who we were."

Blake nodded. He began to walk away, but then he turned back to me.

"Hey, El?" He asked. I looked up. "Thank you," He said. He didn't say what for, but as he turned back to join Julian at their table, I knew. 

Blake and I would never be what we were. But maybe we could still be friends.