Crash and Burn

chapter 3

 L U K E

It's bright again. Way too bright. And I feel that my body has readjusted to that raw feeling. I may be used to it, but that doesn't mean I like it. I still couldn't move any of my limbs. I felt more sore than anything, like I just ran a 10k then did a triathlon. 

"Luke? Oh, my God, Luke! Guys he's awake!"

I looked at Amber confused. One by one my family came to the bed-side stunned and grabbing for my hand or reaching for my face. I was so confused, where had I been? Why were the wires still in? Why couldn't I talk. Why were they acting like I had died? Something else just seemed off that I couldn't put my mind. 

There was something in my mouth, it was like breathing but not. Every 'breath' I took became more and more constricted. I wanted them out. The more breaths I took the more harder it got to breathe. It felt like they were choking me. I kept coughing trying to get them out but nothing was working. I wanted them out. I tried to point to them so my dad could take it out.

"No son, I can't". 

 I'm tired of feeling helpless. 

"It's supposed to help you breathe."

Obviously not if I'm choking on my own fucking wire.

"Nurse!" My mom cried. "Nurse! Come quick"

A swarm of blue surrounded me, trying to get me to calm down and take slow breaths. I don't see how I can when I'm clearly about to die. One of the nurses waved her hand in my face to catch my attention.

"On 3, I'm going to need you to cough out as hard as you can okay, we're going to ahead and take this out, okay?" She told me, placing a strong hand on my shoulder.

"1"

"2"

"3"

Worst feeling of my life. You know when you throw up, when all that puke is going down your throat and you get that God awful burning sensation. Multiply that feeling times 100 with the assistance of steroids. It was terrible.

"Good job, it's out. You did so good. Here drink some water and try to calm down. You did great." She told me, handing me a small cup of water.

I couldn't calm down. It feels like I'm drowning in all this. Everything makes me feel so exhausted. I can barely remember half of the things that happened. It's like taking one small step forward then taking 5 huge leaps backwards.

 I wanted to scream at the world, I wanted to let out all my confusion, and fear, and everything. But I just wanted to be me again, without the uselessness of my limbs, overprotective behaviors of my family, and amnesia on my mind.

***

"Hey Luke, how are you feeling?"

 "Uh, good I guess."

 "Be completely honest." 

"Okay yeah, a little pain, but I'm fine" 

"Is that why you're squeezing the covers while I'm taking your blood pressure."

 "Well it's a coping mechanism, y'know, to cope."

 "Cope with?"

 "Everything?"

"Everything? Do you want me to schedule you a meeting with our psychiatrist? Having depression or post stress trauma is normal and nothing to be ashamed of, especially after a tragic incident like, per say, a car crash"

"NO. No, sorry. I'm didn't mean it like that. I just mean that it's hard to be hopeful for a full recovery when I barely understand half of the things everyone says, or remember half of the things that happen to me."