In Full Color: My Journey As A Nonbinary Person

Sexual Orientation (n): Sexual Identity; The Gender(s) A Person Is Attracted To

People began to question my sexuality which, in turn, made me question it myself. I had never thought about it, mainly because I had never been sexually attracted to anyone yet. I didn't even think of myself as a sexual person. I didn't have feelings for Kel, but it made me wonder: Could I ever have feelings for a girl?

Once I left grade school, I stopped thinking about my sexuality. I just kind of put it off; out of sight, out of mind. Once high school started, though, I met someone named Vee. He and I were in marching band together and, boy, did I have a crush on him. 

We started dating and after several months, we still hadn't even kissed. He was my first boyfriend, so I was obviously nervous about it; it just didn't help that he was far more nervous than I was. Finally, after eight months of dating, I built up the courage to just do it; and I did! 

A lot of my friends at the time kept asking me if Vee and I had done anything (wink wink) and each time I said no, I was telling the truth. We turned that 'no' into a 'yes' after nearly two years of being together.

In my second year of high school, I met a lot of bisexual people and made friends with some. That's when I began to question my sexuality again. I knew I liked guys but did I like girls as well?

I thought about Allison from first grade. I thought about the rumors about Kel and I from grade school. I even thought about the time my family went to Florida for Summer vacation and I couldn't stop staring at the towels, in the beach shops, with half-naked women on them.

I was worried to identify as bi, in fear that people would reject me, especially Vee. After talking with Vee about all my sexual confusion, he told me it sounded like I could be bisexual. Then he told me something: "I love you just the same."

With that validation, I decided to lowkey come out as bi. My friend, who was also bi, kept asking to kiss me and it was kinda weird because I had a boyfriend and she was my friend. I wanted to try it just for the heck of it and to see if I liked it. Long story short, it never happened. To this day, I've never actually kissed a girl (though I've come close).

I identified as bisexual for a while, then realized maybe that wasn't the label for me. I was told I didn't need to have a label, but I just felt better having one, and that is okay!

I've only been sexually attracted to three people in my life. Vee, another partner I had (who is still one of my best friends) named Paris, and Paris' brother. The only reason I was into Paris' brother was because my mind substituted him for Paris, I think. 

My point is: I identify as demisexual. Despite what people may think, demisexual is completely valid and actually part of the asexual spectrum.

What demisexual means: I sometimes experience sexual attraction, but only if I have an emotional connection with the person, first. Personally, I am mostly sex-repulsed when not emotionally involved with the person.

What demisexual does NOT mean: I am picky and have standards. I will not have sex with just anyone because I want a relationship first.

I'm still trying to figure out my sexuality exactly. 'Demi-' is a prefix, so it is followed by something else. An example would be: 'Demi-androsexual'.

Androsexual is a label used by nonbinary people who are only sexually attracted to men. So what demi-androsexual means is that I (a nonbinary person) will only experience sexual attraction with someone when we have an emotional connection first, and the person is male.

That is me. Demi-androsexual. I still haven't decided if I could have sex with a woman because I haven't fallen in love with a woman.

My romantic orientation is....who the heck knows. Maybe panromantic? I'm not sure. As I said, I've never fallen in love with a woman. Maybe not yet anyway.