It had been a month since Luke came over, I'm lacking his attention so I've gone over the deep end with Keva. We've probably fucked 8 times already in the past two weeks. She has school too. I could feel distance coming between me and Luke, and Keva was the perfect distraction action to keep me from thinking of him. Sadly it was working well, she couldn't stop me from thinking about him. I loved her. I love her. I don't know why though, I fall for her tricks and guilt trips. I mean I met her through her little brother, Carl. Since Carl and Luke have known each other longer than since before birth it feels weird. I'm probably coming between Keva and Luke, I am I know it. That's why Luke isn't talking to me. He probably feels like Keva isn't talking to him anymore. I couldn't blame him, she always runs to me with her problems. I'm falling deeper and deeper into her trap and I know it. I know I am. I just don't know what to do.
Ring
Ring
"Hello?" I answered quickly
"Hey baby, wanna come over tonight? It is Friday after all...? Are you going to Skate night? If you don't go I'll be a loner, for some reason everyone has been avoiding me!" She said in a 'as a matter of fact' tone of voice. "I don't think I can come over tonight" I said plainly, suddenly feeling exhausted. "Why not.." She whined "I'm stuck with school work! That's why!" I snapped, okay I do have issues. "Okay okay, well what about skate night?" She said quickly "I don't know" I bluntly mumbled "you don't know? How can you 'not know' I mean what are you broke or just don't want to see me?" She said with hurt dripping from her words "I do I do I just, my dad" I said trying to make up another excuse. "Okay, well let me know" she said quietly, then she went on about some gossip in school and some other stuff. It went on for about two hours, I just kept saying yeah and uhuh.
"Hey I gotta go this phone is gonna die" she said sadly "okay well I love you, bye." I said quickly then hang up, knowing her she will talk until that damn phone dies. I didn't really have school work, I just didn't want to be with her. I don't know why. Almost every night tho, she goes on about how she wants to kill herself and I always stay up half the night trying to get the thoughts out of her head. She always threatened it but she's to much of a pussy to carry through with it. But I still get scared for her, it's horrible cause I know how much she lies. I always fall for it.
I decided to go to skate night, but Luke seemed distant. Of course Keva stole me away but I did try to hang out with Luke. He just shot me dirty looks or he ignored me and my input. What happened? Why is he ignoring me? Did I do something? Am I a bad person? Should I be here? Why am I hurting him? I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to be left alone. I don't know what to do...
His life is a painting,
But there's a shocking twist.
The paintbrush is a razor,
The canvas is his wrist.
I used to self harm but I stopped for someone special I have no intention of mentioning, let's just say he's very important. No it's not Luke or Keva or anyone. Just someone I'm close with.
A few months went by like this, I self harmed the more I blamed myself for Luke pulling away, whenever I try to talk to him he snaps. What do I do? What did I do? ....
"Luke I"-
"What?" Luke asked sternly "why are you avoiding me?" I asked quietly, my voice shaky. I had dyed my hair blonde by now, it still looked red though. Damn bastard hair, though I never cut my hair like I had intended "wow really? You think I'm the one avoiding you? I became the third wheel when you and Keva got together in the first place!" He hissed then just like the the phone hung up and I was left there, feeling lonely. Not just alone but lonely. It's horrible. What do I do? I continued to ask my friend for advice, he kept telling me 'be careful with both Keva and Luke, you're a fragile soul'
He's the only one who knew about me and Luke. The only one. He thought I was fragile? Whatever, hypocrite. I'm not the fragile one, I'm not weak that's for damn sure!
My anger building up.
First Keva is a bitch.
But I'm in love with her.
But I have fallen harder for Luke.
But he abandons me.
I'm alone.
Then I'm getting called weak, like I'm a fragile little china doll.
Mom and dad are constantly fighting, dads constantly choking down pills.
Moms being abusive, and not just with words anymore.
My brother decides to cut himself out of my life and his wedding is almost here.
My other brother is trying to make up for never being in my life.
My sister is having suspicions about me being gay.
What else? Oh yeah my cousins mom is a total bitch who is using my uncle. Well ain't that just the cherry ontop of my crappy sundae. I'm self harming, I'm depressed, and I can't get out of my mind. I tell no one how I feel. So it gets worse and worse, but I should stop wallowing in my self pity, I just need to get over myself. That's all. Just get over it...
Just get over it...
