Delirium

.thirty

"Our Father, Who art in heaven...Hallowed be thy name."

Cyan hesitated.

"God...or anyone who's listening out there. It's been a while and I know how you're big on purity and innocence but it's something I don't have. It was ripped away from me years ago. Please, still listen to my prayers."

Rain pounded hard against the ground and the lake that stretched out in front of Cyan. Lightning flashed, thunder cracked, and yet it seemed so insignificant to Cyan as sat crisscrossed on the shore. His eyes focused on nothing in particular as he stared at the distance, the alcohol that he had consumed the night before now completely out of his system. Now he was sober and felt even worse.

"I know killing myself is a sin. I know, but look at what I've been put through. Just look at the pain that I've had to endure. Why would you want me to keep living through this hell? Why the hell should I keep living when the only good things that I had were fucking ripped away from me!? I tried and I tried and I tried to get over this shit! I ran away from the abuse of the foster system, I tried to depend on Carter and Elliot to help me forget about my past and when that didn't work, I clouded my brain with so many fucking drugs that it should've just killed me and yet I'm still alive and I'm suffering."

Thunder cracked above Cyan as he pulled his knees in towards his chest.

"You love all your children, so why are you making me suffer. I prayed to you as a kid religiously. I begged you to keep my foster father from touching me. I begged for you to never allow Carter to leave me. I-I begged....pl-pleaded, for you to bring my mother back to m-me!!" And as Cyan kept going, his voice was wavering and cracking. He swallowed. He stopped. And when his composure seemed back, he kept speaking.

"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble, Palms forty-six fucking one, it's in the bible...So where the hell were you when I needed help? When I was getting raped in the back of a car or when I was being called a good boy because I obeyed that sick man's fantasies!"

Cyan was getting angry and upset, something that hadn't been planning when he had first started to pray. He ignored the way the thunder rumbled above him and the lightning that struck in the distance of the lake. Instead, he had to calm himself down, burying his face in his knees.

"I-I deserve mercy."

At least that.

Finally getting to his feet, Cyan moved closer to the harsh waters of the lake, the current strong from the storm. He couldn't swim, metaphorically and literally. Never had he bothered to learn and it was almost poetic that he would die in that way considering Carter's words.

"Learn to swim."

Water ran past his ankles as he walked deeper and deeper into the lake. Next was his knees, then his waist, then his elbows, then his collarbone, until he reached a steep incline of rock underneath him. The next steps wouldn't be ground and he was already struggling to keep himself from slipping and falling.

"Cyan!"

The voice who had called his name seemed distant but Cyan had heard it. Over the thunder and the rushing water, he had heard it and he had hesitated.

"Cyan! Fucking hell, Cyan!!"

Stop.

Stop, he was so close. He was so close to stopping this hell.

Don't stop him.

"Cyan!" The voice was louder now, Cyan now recognizing that it was three different voices. The sound of running footsteps was muffled by the storm so Cyan couldn't have known how soon the three people would've appeared, but mere seconds had passed before they did.